Monday, August 29, 2016
Her birthday is this week so I printed the postage for her package today. When I find the right words for the card, I'll pack it all up and send it out.
Thursday, August 25, 2016
Wednesday, August 24, 2016
There were a few people who were really there for me when I was pregnant. Two girls from college were particularly supportive. Then my daughter was born and it was over.
People don't want to be around you anymore when you give away your baby.
I miss them dearly.
Tuesday, August 23, 2016
Every Christmas since I moved, I've made her a picture book of our visits for that year. After our April visit, I texted her about it. I don't have enough pictures for a book so I wanted to know if there was something she wanted me to make. She never responded to that text. I think I'm going to make a book like her lifebook, possibly with some excerpts from this blog. Somehow, I need to reconnect with her.
Tuesday, August 16, 2016
I was hoping that maybe she would give me some insight into what my daughter is experiencing. I was at least hoping that as the person seeing my daughter every day that she would have some insight.
My sister is going out there soon. She and my daughter follow and interact with each other on Instagram. My daughter accepted my request to follow her, but didn't ask to follow me back. It hurts.
I've been told it's the age, but I know birthparents with kids my daughter's age, and those kids want a relationship with their birthparents.
I have a package to send her. I've been picking up souvenirs for her during all my travels since April, but I haven't sent anything. Her mom knows I have a package for her and is probably wondering why I haven't sent it yet. It's not intentional. I'm just not home much and I don't have a printer so I need to remember to grab it all and bring it somewhere that I can print postage.
I sent her a postcard from my trip. I'd like to write her a letter. I play the beginnings in my head, but after that I get lost.
Thursday, August 04, 2016
Her mom picked me up from the airport without my daughter and filled me in on some things.
My daughter doesn't think I have a right to be a part of her extended family.
My daughter doesn't like it when I text her asking about school and how her weekend was etc. She doesn't think I have a right to know.
She's struggling with her birthfather's absence from her life.
The visit was awful. We had a decent dinner together the night I got there, and I spent about an hour of quality time with my daughter. She avoided me the rest of the weekend. She had a bunch of her friends over for most of the visit. The morning I left, I sat downstairs for a couple of hours wondering if anyone was coming down. I think they barely got my daughter to say goodbye. She did not come for the ride to the train station.
Despite my daughter's clear avoidance of me, her mother was upset that I didn't spend the whole weekend.
Since then, I've texted simple things like "I hope you had a good weekend!" or even an "I miss you" or an "I'm thinking about you." and an "I love you." but I haven't asked her a single question.
I don't know what to do. For the past year, I've been feeling miserable about not being there for her, and now she doesn't even want me there for her.
The only reason I keep texting is because I'm the adult, and I have a responsibility to make sure she knows I care.
But that's where I and the whole thing just sucks.
Wednesday, August 03, 2016
I just got off the phone with my mom (biological) , and we spent a lot of time talking about little Poor_Statue and I told her what happened with my sister, and I spent way too much time on the phone crying.