About Me

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I placed my daughter in an open adoption in 2002. I started this blog in 2004 as a place to journal and eventually I became part of a community. The community has moved on, but I have decided to come back.

Friday, July 29, 2016

December 2015

My daughter initiates a text for the first time.  She wants to know about the guy I'm dating and whether or not I had told him about her.

I found out later that my daughter's mom told my sister that "it was a horrible way for my daughter to find out I was dating someone."

I still don't know how my daughter found out.  Eventually I told her mother by text that I didn't know how my daughter found out.  She didn't comment.  

Thursday, July 28, 2016

November 2015

My family got together in our home state for my grandfather's birthday. I wasn't invited because my sister planned it. She made the four hour drive to see my daughter while she was there.


I'm going back east so I asked about seeing my daughter. I asked her mom if she thought it was worth trying because it was clear from my last visit that my daughter didn't want to see me. They won't be in town so it ended up being a non-issue, but her mom did acknowledge that my daughter seemed a little standoffish when I visited.

I was hoping her mom could give me some advice, but she told me she's stepping out of it and leaving relationship with my daughter up to us. I don't know what to do.

I told her mom that I haven't been asking my daughter any questions ever since she  (mom) told me that my daughter told her she doesn't like it. It doesn't feel right.

I've stopped posting in my adoption group. The adoptive moms are having all these crises with their kids, and my problem seems so little. Last time, they told me it was the age, but all the other kids of the birthmoms and adoptive moms in the group that are the same age as my daughter still have strong birthfamily relationships. I've thought about writing my daughter a letter, but I don't know what to say.

Wednesday, July 27, 2016

October 2015

My sister, who had cut my parents out of her life for years has decided to visit.  My parents are desperate for me to reach out while acknowledging that my sister will never take ownership of her part in all of the drama nor will she ever treat me like an equal.  I decline.  The visit happens in December.  I don't make any effort to mend things.  I have decided that it is healthier for me not to have her in my life.

I go on vacation with the guy I'm dating and wake up one night from a dream about my daughter.  I hate being disconnected from her.  I hate not being able to tell her how important she is to me.  I hate the distance.

Tuesday, July 26, 2016

September 4, 2015

My daughter turns 13.  I cry all night.

I miss her so much.  I hate that I'm not with her.  I hate that I'm not there to answer her questions.  I hate that I gave her up.

Monday, July 25, 2016

I Join Match and This Happens in August 2015

Dating websites ask whether or not you have kids.  I left that item blank on my profile.  I went on many fun dates where it didn't come up.  I didn't want it to come up.  It's a story that is too hard to tell.

Then, someone asked.  I wasn't prepared.  I told him it was a story for another time.  The next morning I texted him and told him I'd really like to answer his question, but that I wanted to do it in person.

It went well.  We are still dating, and he is supportive in the right way.

Friday, July 22, 2016

July 2015

Some thoughts I wrote down about a visit:

I had a nice visit with my daughter. Things felt normal this time. I only went for a few hours so I'm sure that helped.
There were some interesting things I thought I'd share. Her grandmother and godmother came over also. Somehow the subject of little Poor_Statue as a kid came up. I think it may have been her asking me when I lost my first and last baby tooth. Little Poor_Statue. went and got her first photo album.
A few things happened as she looked at it. She pointed at and named a bunch of people in the pictures but tended to hurry through the pictures of her and I together. She also commented on perfectly normal baby pictures that she looked sad and wondered why. Clearly, she is dealing with some adoption issues. I don't feel hurt at all. I'm wondering more about what I could do to help her sort through it and seeing it as just an interesting development.
In related and actually hurtful news, her grandmother commented that my daughter looks more like my sister than me. Her godmother stepped in to say that she didn't think so. It hurt just because of the problems I'm having with my sister. We all, including my daughter, talked quite a bit about where she got different features which just now reminded me of how she went through the beginning of the first album which was pictures from before she was born. She was very interested in the pictures of me with with her birthfather, the ones of me pregnant, the ones of us right after she was born. It was only after the hospital pictures that she started to ignore the pictures of us together.
Fascinating stuff. It's been awhile since her adoption issues were so obviously out there.