About Me

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I placed my daughter in an open adoption in 2002. I started this blog in 2004 as a place to journal and eventually I became part of a community. The community has moved on, but I have decided to come back.

Monday, August 29, 2016

Thank You For Picking Me

I texted her last night.  A visit with her showed up in my facebook memories so I sent the picture.  She responded quickly with a picture of her at my wedding and a message that she ran across that one the other day.  I texted back that I loved having her as my flower girl and sent a picture of us together at my wedding.  She said "Thank you for picking me."  I didn't respond right away because I was looking for a picture of the two of us plus my sister at the wedding.  It's one of my favorites.  I responded with the picture and said it was an honor.  But I took too long.  She didn't text back.  It was probably too late her time, and I haven't heard from her today.

Her birthday is this week so I printed the postage for her package today.  When I find the right words for the card, I'll pack it all up and send it out.

Thursday, August 25, 2016

Work

When you're at a professional event with a group of women and the conversation is all about birth and children but you don't acknowledge that you have a child.

I hate these days.

Wednesday, August 24, 2016

Losing Friends

There were a few people who were really there for me when I was pregnant. Two girls from college were particularly supportive. Then my daughter was born and it was over.

People don't want to be around you anymore when you give away your baby.

I miss them dearly.

Tuesday, August 23, 2016

On This Day

Two years ago, she was visiting me.  I know because the facebook memories are telling me.  I decided to text her and saw that it has been over a week since I did.  I just don't know what to say to her, and the rejection hurts.  I've started my letter in my head.

Every Christmas since I moved, I've made her a picture book of our visits for that year. After our April visit, I texted her about it.  I don't have enough pictures for a book so I wanted to know if there was something she wanted me to make.  She never responded to that text.  I think I'm going to make a book like her lifebook, possibly with some excerpts from this blog.  Somehow, I need to reconnect with her.


Tuesday, August 16, 2016

Contact

I just went back east.  When I was planning the visit, I contacted her mom to ask if she thought I should try to see them considering that my daughter clearly didn't want to see me last time.  It turns out that they weren't going to be in town that week anyway, but her mom said she would have asked my daughter anyway because she had no idea.  She said she's leaving the relationship up to the two of us.  I'm not sure how I feel about that.

I was hoping that maybe she would give me some insight into what my daughter is experiencing.  I was at least hoping that as the person seeing my daughter every day that she would have some insight.


My sister is going out there soon.  She and my daughter follow and interact with each other on Instagram.  My daughter accepted my request to follow her, but didn't ask to follow me back.  It hurts.


I've been told it's the age, but I know birthparents with kids my daughter's age, and those kids want a relationship with their birthparents.


I have a package to send her.  I've been picking up souvenirs for her during all my travels since April, but I haven't sent anything.  Her mom knows I have a package for her and is probably wondering why I haven't sent it yet. It's not intentional.  I'm just not home much and I don't have a printer so I need to remember to grab it all and bring it somewhere that I can print postage. 


 I sent her a postcard from my trip. I'd like to write her a letter.  I play the beginnings in my head, but after that I get lost.

Thursday, August 04, 2016

My April Visit

I don't know when I planned it, but I had a 4-day weekend in April so I scheduled a visit with my daughter.  When I informed her mom, she told me that my daughter didn't want me to come but begged me not to cancel.  I called on a few friends to include them as part of the trip and planned for a shorter visit.  I even changed to an earlier flight back.

Her mom picked me up from the airport without my daughter and filled me in on some things.

My daughter doesn't think I have a right to be a part of her extended family.

My daughter doesn't like it when I text her asking about school and how her weekend was etc. She doesn't think I have a right to know.

She's struggling with her birthfather's absence from her life.

The visit was awful.  We had a decent dinner together the night I got there, and I spent about an hour of quality time with my daughter.  She avoided me the rest of the weekend. She had a bunch of her friends over for most of the visit.  The morning I left, I sat downstairs for a couple of hours wondering if anyone was coming down.  I think they barely got my daughter to say goodbye.  She did not come for the ride to the train station.

Despite my daughter's clear avoidance of me, her mother was upset that I didn't spend the whole weekend.

Since then, I've texted simple things like "I hope you had a good weekend!" or even an "I miss you" or an "I'm thinking about you." and an "I love you." but I haven't asked her a single question.

I don't know what to do.  For the past year, I've been feeling miserable about not being there for her, and now she doesn't even want me there for her.

The only reason I keep texting is because I'm the adult, and I have a responsibility to make sure she knows I care.

But that's where I and the whole thing just sucks.

Wednesday, August 03, 2016

My Birthday 2016

Mostly written then:

I just got off the phone with my mom (biological) , and we spent a lot of time talking about little Poor_Statue and I told her what happened with my sister, and I spent way too much time on the phone crying.
My mother said my sister doesn't understand because she's never been a mother. I also told my mother that I regret placing little Poor_Statue for adoption.


I also spent part of the day messaging with my daughter's birthfather and asked for a picture of his kids which I then sent to my daughter's mom who proceeded to take her anger about him not having contact with them on me as if I have anything to do with his actions.

I pulled it together just long enough for my boyfriend to take me out to dinner, but spent the rest of the night crying.