About Me

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I placed my daughter in an open adoption in 2002. I started this blog in 2004 as a place to journal and eventually I became part of a community. The community has moved on, but I have decided to come back.

Tuesday, September 27, 2016

I love you

Ever since I found out that my daughter didn't like it when I asked her questions, I only send texts telling her to have a good week or some similar statement requiring no response.  I always say "I love you."  She used to say "you too".  Now I usually don't even get a response, and if I do, it's "thanks."  I'm tired of being told it's her age.

On the plus side, she seems to respond when I text old pictures.  Next time I'm home, I'll put more on my phone.

Sunday, September 04, 2016


Today is my daughter's birthday.

The guy I'm dating, who used to be a good support, no longer gets it.  And even if he did, his kids will be here all day.

So I'm going to go home and be alone and that is hard.

Monday, August 29, 2016

Thank You For Picking Me

I texted her last night.  A visit with her showed up in my facebook memories so I sent the picture.  She responded quickly with a picture of her at my wedding and a message that she ran across that one the other day.  I texted back that I loved having her as my flower girl and sent a picture of us together at my wedding.  She said "Thank you for picking me."  I didn't respond right away because I was looking for a picture of the two of us plus my sister at the wedding.  It's one of my favorites.  I responded with the picture and said it was an honor.  But I took too long.  She didn't text back.  It was probably too late her time, and I haven't heard from her today.

Her birthday is this week so I printed the postage for her package today.  When I find the right words for the card, I'll pack it all up and send it out.

Thursday, August 25, 2016


When you're at a professional event with a group of women and the conversation is all about birth and children but you don't acknowledge that you have a child.

I hate these days.

Wednesday, August 24, 2016

Losing Friends

There were a few people who were really there for me when I was pregnant. Two girls from college were particularly supportive. Then my daughter was born and it was over.

People don't want to be around you anymore when you give away your baby.

I miss them dearly.

Tuesday, August 23, 2016

On This Day

Two years ago, she was visiting me.  I know because the facebook memories are telling me.  I decided to text her and saw that it has been over a week since I did.  I just don't know what to say to her, and the rejection hurts.  I've started my letter in my head.

Every Christmas since I moved, I've made her a picture book of our visits for that year. After our April visit, I texted her about it.  I don't have enough pictures for a book so I wanted to know if there was something she wanted me to make.  She never responded to that text.  I think I'm going to make a book like her lifebook, possibly with some excerpts from this blog.  Somehow, I need to reconnect with her.

Tuesday, August 16, 2016


I just went back east.  When I was planning the visit, I contacted her mom to ask if she thought I should try to see them considering that my daughter clearly didn't want to see me last time.  It turns out that they weren't going to be in town that week anyway, but her mom said she would have asked my daughter anyway because she had no idea.  She said she's leaving the relationship up to the two of us.  I'm not sure how I feel about that.

I was hoping that maybe she would give me some insight into what my daughter is experiencing.  I was at least hoping that as the person seeing my daughter every day that she would have some insight.

My sister is going out there soon.  She and my daughter follow and interact with each other on Instagram.  My daughter accepted my request to follow her, but didn't ask to follow me back.  It hurts.

I've been told it's the age, but I know birthparents with kids my daughter's age, and those kids want a relationship with their birthparents.

I have a package to send her.  I've been picking up souvenirs for her during all my travels since April, but I haven't sent anything.  Her mom knows I have a package for her and is probably wondering why I haven't sent it yet. It's not intentional.  I'm just not home much and I don't have a printer so I need to remember to grab it all and bring it somewhere that I can print postage. 

 I sent her a postcard from my trip. I'd like to write her a letter.  I play the beginnings in my head, but after that I get lost.