About Me

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I placed my daughter in an open adoption in 2002. I started this blog in 2004 as a place to journal and eventually I became part of a community. The community has moved on, but I have decided to come back.

Monday, October 25, 2004


I'm glad I've been too busy to worry.

I haven't heard from my daughter's family since they came here.

I emailed- usually she responds right away- but I've heard nothing.

I'm afraid something about their visit has changed their minds about openness.

I miss her so much.

Wednesday, October 13, 2004

My Future Father-In-Law

I live with my fiance in an apartment above his parents' garage. They are like parents to me, too. I've known them for ten years now and I absolutely love them.

They rarely mention my daughter (from another relationship), especially my future FIL. He's very old-fashioned and your typical blue-collar guy. In fact, I don't think he's ever mentioned her. I usually don't bring her up either because it can be awkward.

Sunday morning, I went and sat on the porch before work and my FIL came to sit with me. He asked how the visit was and I told him it was nice. I was amazed because he continued to ask me about it and talked to me parent-to-parent. He expressed disappointment that he wasn't able to meet them, but what really surprised me was that he went on to say he was disappointed that they didn't come spend a day in our hometown- "to see where I live and grew up." He had a whole weekend planned for them.

I just thought it was amazing. Even people involved in adoption sometimes don't recognize the value to both the birthparent and the birthchild of sharing parts of the birthfamily's life. Yet he instinctively recognized how important it was for me to share both my heritage and my present life with her.

What a nice feeling it was to be validated for something I've been keeping inside. Ever since my daughter was born, I've mourned the fact that I never got to bring her to my grandmother's house or show her off to the friends who supported me throughout my pregnancy or take her out for a day. How wonderful for him to give words to the sadness I feel.

I've always loved him (my FIL), but this exchange just meant so much to me.

It's the little things.

Saturday, October 09, 2004

A Taste of Motherhood

Today was the big day. My daughter came to see me along with her mom and grandmother. They weren't planning to get to the faire til about two. I felt nauseous all morning and by 1:00, my nerves were shot. I could barely concentrate.

They did arrive around 2 and my daughter was a little awestruck. There's a lot to take in at a Renaissance Faire. They watched me on my game for a little bit and then I had a chance to ride the big swan swing with them. After that, they said they'd catch up with me later and I went back to work.

I had skipped my midday break so that I would be finished early, but when I got off, I spent almost an hour walking around looking for them before I found them. We walked around a bit. My daughter got a pony ride and I bought her a cloth flower which she loved. Her whole face lit up when I gave it to her.

We went to catch the final show of the night and by then she had really warmed up. I was really happy because she wanted to sit with me. She danced and sang and plopped herself into my lap to cuddle. For any Rennies reading this, I even got her to shout huzzah after the songs. One of the actors couldn't take his eyes off her. She has the most contagious laugh and she was clearly having so much fun. I loved spending time with her on my turf. I almost felt like her mom. I actually felt bad because her mom just kind of watched us and every so often she got that look in her eye- the one that gives me a glimpsed of how hard it is for her to watch us together. I only see my daughter a few times a year and she has no idea who I am to her, but there is clearly a bond.

We went out for dinner after and I got another chance to feel like a mom. We go out to eat almost every time I see them, but this time my daughter wanted to sit with me. The four of us got a booth and for the first time ever, I shared a side with her. I quickly had to get over my timidness about saying no or keeping an arm around her. After a long drive, she was more hyper than usual plus she was hamming it up the way kids do when someone different is around.

She charmed a table of nuns and a priest when she sang her ABC's and charmed all the waitresses with her giggling. All the nuns came over and gave her kisses when they left. I thought that was so nice. Because I was looking after her, I could tell that most of the crowd assumed I was her mom (plus we look enough alike to confirm that). It was a weird feeling, but a nice one.

Nicer still was the fact that she wanted all my attention or that she'd rest her head on my shoulder or in my lap and seemed absolutely content to be in my arms. Her smile just made me melt. I haven't felt that happy in a long time. Imagine the best time you've ever spent with a two year old- when you're both feeling playful and laughing and talking. That was my night.

I hated for it to end but I was glad to leave with such a feeling of peace. Sometimes after seeing her, I feel like a junkie- it's like I got my fix and I've forgotten how good it is. Getting one smile from her or holding her hand for one moment just makes every ounce of stress I feel disappear. Seeing her so happy and loved helps so much though today I don't mind being a little selfish about being glad I got a few hours of normalcy with the little girl I gave birth to.

Thursday, October 07, 2004

Baby Talk

So I know that all parents brag about their kids, but I just got off the phone with my daughter and I was amazed.

She just turned two and September and she talks in complete sentences. She told me she was coming to see me and that she took a bath tonight. She also asked if I was home and was I on the couch (tee-hee, too cute). She then proceeded to tell me all kinds of stories about her day. The past few times, I had trouble understanding her, but this time I could. She made better conversation than some of the adults I talk to (including me).

Her mom finally asked if I wanted to do something after the faire on Saturday. Yippee!! At least now I feel like she's coming this way to actually see me. Good news.

I've been trying to take some risks lately. I switched jobs after my daughter was born and have been very quiet about her since doing so. Two people know about her, but lately I've taken to speaking about her even when a coworker might overheat. I also put a picture of her on the side of the bookcase next to my desk. At my old job, I had her picture on my desk and loved it. Now I just carry her picture, but I finally decided I wanted to have her picture out. Granted, very few people will notice it in its current location (and I haven't yet figured out how to respond if they do) but it still felt good to put it up there.

Saturday, October 02, 2004

Talked to Them

My daughter and her mom called me last night. It was nice though a little awkward. I was so tired and I'm not a phone person so it was hard to make conversation.

My daughter was so cute. She didn't want to talk much this time4 (usually she chatters away) but I'm happy just to hear her playing in the background.

Her mom asked if I worked all weekend. I said yes, but told her I was probably taking today off (I am) thinking she'd maybe realize that I could get a day off next weekend if she wanted. No bite, but I dreamed last night that she emailed me to ask about it. Premonition, I hope.

She had trouble getting a hotel due to the holiday weekend so she's not sure where she'll be staying. That may explain her reluctance to make evening plans. Again, she didn't mention doing dinner or anything. I sucked it up and let her know I'm usually done work before the faire closes so she said if I tell her where to meet her, she'll be there. Better than nothing I suppose.

When I suggested that my daughter's at a good age for tyhe faire, she said she disagreed cuz I guess my daughter is still afraid of characters. I didn't know how to respond to that. It doesn't really change the fact that I would love to see how my daughter reacts.

So I guess I'm waiting til the weekend comes with mixed feelings about it all.