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I placed my daughter in an open adoption in 2002. I started this blog in 2004 as a place to journal and eventually I became part of a community. The community has moved on, but I have decided to come back.

Wednesday, September 29, 2004

Angry Today

Maybe I'm just grumpy, but open adoption is bothering me today.

My daughter's mom (along with her mom and our daughter) is planning to come see me at the Renaissance Faire I work at. I run the games at the Faire which is a really busy job.

This is the first time she's come to my area and I was pretty excited when I heard. My daughter will love the faire and I was so excited that she was coming my way.

I emailed her and let her know that I could ask for a little time off to spend with them while they were there. I suggested the first hour, but specified that it was up to her.

She emailed back to tell me they probably wouldn't be there the first hour. That was it. No mention of maybe spending the last hour together or any other time. Plus, they're planning to spend the night in a hotel and visit another local attraction the next day, but so far there has been no mention of doing something that evening (like dinner with my future in-laws maybe?).

It's really frustrating because the sensitivity of the open adoption relationship makes it so hard to bring it up. It should be no big deal, but it is. I don't want to offend her, but I'm really feeling like I'd rather not have them come.

I don't want to spend the whole day with them, but I would love to see how my daughter reacts to some of the stuff at the faire. I love it there. Instead, I'll be working, knowing they are there, and unable to do anything about it.

This is making me so emotional. I fought back tears after her email. It is so hard to deal with the loss. I love my daughter. I love her parents. I don't love being a birthmother.

It would be so nice to be with them when my daughter visits the places I visited as a kid. These are things that most families take for granted. Instead I will look at the pictures and wonder again how to live with my choice.

Monday, September 27, 2004

In a Perfect World

I miss my daughter tonight.

In a perfect world, she would be sitting in my lap right now, PJ's on, questioning me about the world.

Instead, she is four hours away, calling another woman "Mommy."

Her birthday passed recently. Two years old. Some days it seems like a lifetime ago. Some days it seems like it never happened. Today it feels like just yesterday that she was laying on me in a hospital bed while I wondered how I could ever make things right.

I made it through her birthday all right. I've always had good defense mechanisms. Put on the armor- pretend nothing happened- keep busy (the last one is the biggest). Yet I couldn't escape the grief; it just came a little late.

They called this weekend- I can't remember which day. For the first time, I chose not to answer the phone. I knew my daughter was on the other end, but I let the phone ring. I could not bring myself to choke down the tears and find excitement. Her mother probably wonders what has happened. I haven't answered her email either. I'm overwhelmed. I have no room to cry. I have responsibilities.

I miss my daughter tonight.