I've spent the last two days putting my daughter's last two years into albums (finally!) and today her mom sent an email with Jan/Feb pictures. I just finished looking at them.
First, I smiled. There were several from my visit in January and my daughter and I both had big grins- I couldn't help but smile. Then I looked at the rest and by the end I just felt sad. Sad because I'm missing out on her life. Sad because there are all these people who see her every week or so. Sad because I don't.
I miss her so much.
The past two days I've been through pictures from 2001, just before I became pregnant, until now. So many changes. I found the hospital pictures and scanned a bunch of them into my computer. It was weird to relive it.
I looked through pictures from her first birthday party and remembered how difficult and uncomfortable that day was. It feels weird to be at family events. I wonder if I'll ever get used to it.
When I looked at the pictures her mom sent, I couldn't help but think that she sends these albums to the whole family and to wonder how they react when they see pictures of me in there. I still don't quite feel like I fit.
I worry that it'll be awhile til I see her again. Last year, after my Christmas visit, I didn't see them ahain until May. I don't want to wait that long. I don't want to wait at all.
Tonight is just one of those nights. I want to feel her in my lap. I want to read her a story and give her kisses. I want to lift her up in the air and hear her giggle. I want to watch her run around and play chase with her. I want her to take my hand the way she does and lead me around the house showing me all of her things. Mostly, I just want to curl up with her.
Tonight I don't want to think about letting her go.