About Me

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I placed my daughter in an open adoption in 2002. I started this blog in 2004 as a place to journal and eventually I became part of a community. The community has moved on, but I have decided to come back.

Monday, February 21, 2005

Pictures

Teary today.
I've spent the last two days putting my daughter's last two years into albums (finally!) and today her mom sent an email with Jan/Feb pictures. I just finished looking at them.
First, I smiled. There were several from my visit in January and my daughter and I both had big grins- I couldn't help but smile. Then I looked at the rest and by the end I just felt sad. Sad because I'm missing out on her life. Sad because there are all these people who see her every week or so. Sad because I don't.
I miss her so much.
The past two days I've been through pictures from 2001, just before I became pregnant, until now. So many changes. I found the hospital pictures and scanned a bunch of them into my computer. It was weird to relive it.
I looked through pictures from her first birthday party and remembered how difficult and uncomfortable that day was. It feels weird to be at family events. I wonder if I'll ever get used to it.
When I looked at the pictures her mom sent, I couldn't help but think that she sends these albums to the whole family and to wonder how they react when they see pictures of me in there. I still don't quite feel like I fit.
I worry that it'll be awhile til I see her again. Last year, after my Christmas visit, I didn't see them ahain until May. I don't want to wait that long. I don't want to wait at all.
Tonight is just one of those nights. I want to feel her in my lap. I want to read her a story and give her kisses. I want to lift her up in the air and hear her giggle. I want to watch her run around and play chase with her. I want her to take my hand the way she does and lead me around the house showing me all of her things. Mostly, I just want to curl up with her.
Tonight I don't want to think about letting her go.

Friday, February 11, 2005

Meltdown: Ramblings about my morning thoughts

I lost it this morning- not in an angry way- in an I can't stop crying way. I guess my previous post finally kicked in.
To protect my loved ones, I won't give a lot of details, but things haven't been going well in the Statue home lately. I'm sure there are a million reasons, but the stress has taken it's toll on my fiance and I. This morning did me in.
There are other stressors in my life right now. Although work is going well, it's been very busy. I'm helping direct the school musical, working on developing a math curricullum, and the TA that usually helps me out for about an hour a day(and who also happens to be my best friend) was out sick most of the week.
This past Thursday (um, that would be yesterday) was my employee evaluation- where the VP sits in your class to decide if you're a good teacher. I was terrified and nervous and busy trying to make sure everything would be just so for my lesson on Thursday. I know I'm a good teacher, but authority figures make me nervous especially when they are in my classroom. I'm sure some good therapy could help me figure out why.
Anyway, I just wanted the day to be over yesterday. My fiance and I were supposed to go out to dinner and because he tends to be a really thoughtful guy, I figured I'd have a nice night at home with him. He is the love of my life and as hard as this past year has been, I really want things to get better between us.
Finally, rehearsal was over and I headed home.
The night was just a regular night. We decided not to go out because the weather was bad. He played on his computer. I played on my computer. I went to bed early because his music was giving me a headache and I was exhausted from the long day. He stayed up all night. This is the story of our life.

Perhaps another day or week I wouldn't have cared so much, but this morning I woke up alone and I just couldn't take it. I went to make coffee and it wasn't ready (he used to get it ready for me every morning, especially if he was up all night), the dishes were piled up all over the place, I was aching for a hug or a kiss or something, but with all the stress in our relationship, it just wasn't coming.
And I lost it. I couldn't stop crying.
But I had to go to work so I took my teary-eyed self and drove away.
When I get really down, I have conversations with myself. I'm not in counseling, but I've been to enough in the past and read enough psychology books to play the part (I imagine my theater background helps, too.) So I counsel myself- try to get to the root of my sorrow. My fiance isn't the one causing my pain, something in my history (and his history, I suppose) triggers all these intense emotions over little things.
I imagined us in couples counseling telling the story of our lives. We truly come from different worlds- him with two parents still in love after 30+ years, me with parents who don't speak after 16 years of divorce. Is it any wonder we struggle?
Lately, we've talked about my daughter. He says it's hard to get used to. I imagine that it's hard for him to understand why I relinquished her. His family is old-fashioned with good traditional values. In their world, children mean marriage. I imagine in my fiance's world, having a child with someone means you would spend your life with them. With all the unhappy couples in my past, I wouldn't dream of marrying due to a child.

Yet I didn't raise her.

Why?

I thought of all this as I drove to work.

I've been pushing back the real reasons. It's much easier to say I wanted her to have a two-parent home or to make some vague statement about not being ready to be a parent. I wasn't ready. That was a big reason.

I may never be ready.

When I think back to how I got to where I am, I am reminded of how lonely the journey has been. I told my fiance this morning that I was lonely.

I stink at social stuff. I always have. Even more than that, when I think back to all of the relationships in my life, I come back to one thing: being unwanted. Whether it was in a home or a classroom or on stage or a soccer field, I never quite fit. Some days, I was just invisible. Other days, I was attacked. I don't say this for pity or to put down my loved ones- I've done well for myself and there are plenty of folks who really care about me- but it's a feeling that washes over my memories. No wonder I felt lonely this morning.
Clearly, I struggle with my emotions. I always have. I have a million other quirks as well (don't we all) and when it came down to it, I just felt like it would be completely irresponsible for me to bring a baby into my world. I would picture this poor child, with just me in her life, making our way in what is often a cruel world. On my good days, it may seem like an adventure, but on my bad days it seemed a cruel thing to do to the baby I loved.

My world is different.

My memories are different.

I feel tired today. World-weary.