There has been a lot on my mind this week.
I have to say that the day after posting about adoption on Daily Kos, I regretted it.
I was emotionally drained.
Lots of people told me I was brave to share my story. Initially, I wondered how they could think so- what's so brave about sharing my story anonymously?
Brave would be coming out at work or on the street or speaking up when people perpetuate adoption myths. I do none of those things.
As the comments died down, a couple of people continued to post. These were the dissenters. The people who didn't appreciate my posting- even going so far as to tell me I shouldn't be talking about adoption on the internet.
I'm all for lively debate. I know that not everyone agrees with my views about adoption. I know that there are plenty of people with valid reasons for disapproving of the choices I made. At first I wanted people to debate. Yet when it started, I couldn't deal with it.
It was too much for me. It reminded me of why I don't share my choice in my public life. Even if hundreds of people validate me, all it takes is one to stir up the seeds of doubt and take me back to my choice all over again. Was it really the best thing? Am I really still a decent person having done all that I have?
Questions like these do nothing. I made my choice. It's over. The only thing I can do now is decide how to live with it.
Part of why I write is for my daughter. I was warned early during my birthmotherhood that there would come a time where even I would no longer understand why I placed. My life would settle down and the things that seemed so big during pregnancy would no longer seem like good reasons to let go of her.
I need to leave a record of where I was then and where I am at each stage of my journey.
Someday my daughter will ask. She may be angry. She will have every right to be angry. I need to be able to go back- to have something to explain to her.
Anyway, I was drained this week. Sharing my story was much harder than I envisioned. I no longer regret it. I'm glad it was read and appreciated by so many. But I don't know when I will write again.
I am just one person. I am not an expert. I cannot claim to know of any other person's adoption experience. It feels heavy to be treated as if I do.
Anyway, I'm glad it's the weekend again.
I got my daughter's Easter picture and I imagine she has a family-filled weekend ahead.