About Me

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I placed my daughter in an open adoption in 2002. I started this blog in 2004 as a place to journal and eventually I became part of a community. The community has moved on, but I have decided to come back.

Sunday, April 24, 2005

Why Are You Leaving?

I had a really nice day yesterday.
My daughter looked adorable and we had fun playing together.
I love that when I visit she wants me to do everything with her. She had asked for me to do her swim lesson with her, too.
When we go out to public places, it is sometimes difficult. Her mom usually does most of the stuff with her. We went to a Kid's Fair yesterday and while I was glad to carry my daughter in between most of the activities, she pretty much did everything with her mom.
Plus it always makes me nervous that someone will say something to us. When I carry her or am walking with her or even when all of us are at dinner together, everyone always assumes that I am her mother. Again, I don't feel like we look that much alike, but there must be something.
One of the women working at the fair offered to take a picture of my daughter and I together. I was trying to get a picture of her playing with bubbles. I really wanted to say yes. My daughter's parents weren't taking any pictures. But my daughter's mom was right there and I can't imagine what she would have thought. I sheepishly declined.
Later that evening we went to my daughter's favorite restaurant. She likes it because a group of men go around singing and playing string instruments. She strums a pretend guitar as they play- definitely genetics there.
We all loosened up a bit.
When we got back to their house, I set about getting some final pictures before I left. We were all playing with my daughter- her parents and I. I wish someone could have captured it- it felt so good.
It was getting late and I had a long drive ahead (I declined the offer to spend the night.) so I asked my daughter for a hug goodbye.
We had all been laughing and giggling and being silly. Her face dropped. "Why are you leaving?" she said sadly. She said something about not wanting me to leave.
I made a comment about breaking my heart and explained to her that I had a long drive- "but why?"- because I need to go home- "but why?"- because I have my own house and it's far away- "but why?"- because I don't live with you.
Her mom began to cry- it is the first time I've seen her cry in a very long time.
I know kids normally want relatives and friends to stay. I'm not sure what exactly about the exchange affected her mom like that - she's usually much more controlled- not a warm and fuzzy kind of woman.
But it was sad for me, too. The day was filled with those moments. My daughter making a comment about me being a mommy, her stroking my face and getting every last strand of hair out of my eyes as she told me I was her sweetie-pie, her shouting that I was hers, her pretending to call my mother to find out if I could stay: "hello, Poor_Statue's mommy, can Poor_Statue stay here?".
Why am I leaving?
I don't know.

We Have the Same Dog

My daughter picked out a little stuffed birthstone dog for my birthday which she gave to me yesterday.

She has one for her birthday and when reminded, she ran upstairs to get it and then brought it down.

"We have the same dog." she said happily.

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She then proceeded to compare all the dogs' parts. We sat on the floor and I held mine while she held hers.

"They have the same nose." she said as she touched the dogs' noses together.

"They have the same bow."

She went on like this, holding the dogs together and exploring all their sameness.

And I sat thinking that we have the same nose and the same eyes, too.

She decided the dogs should play together in the bag mine was given in.

Much later in the day, she pulled them out again.

Once again she examined their sameness.

Then she handed hers to me and took mine.

"Here," she said, "you take my dog and I'll take your dog and we'll rub their backs."

And so we sat there on the floor of the living room rubbing their backs.

And I tried not to cry.

Monday, April 18, 2005

I'm Home

I've been home for a week now, but I still haven't recovered.

My trip was wonderful, the return has been difficult.

It's about dinosaurs, but I'll leave it at that until I know more.

I called my daughter while I was away. She was full of adorable questions. Her dad kept telling her to say goodbye because I was far away. I wanted to say that I wasn't worried about my cell phone minutes, but I didn't.

She was so cute.

I'm going to see her this Saturday. It's been awhile and I'm glad, but really my mind is on other things these days so I've pushed the adoption stuff back a bit.

Life has just been difficult. It seems that every time I feel my life is finally getting back in order, it turns upside down. I suppose everyone feels that way, but it still sucks.

I want to be taken care of for a little while.

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

In Loving Memory

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I'll be away for the next week and will be unable to properly commemorate the one year anniversary of Cindy's death.

She was a dear, dear friend of mine as well as a fellow birthmother. She brought joy and life to everyone she met. I have known few as generous or as loving as Cindy was.

I hope she has many rainbows in heaven.