About Me

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I placed my daughter in an open adoption in 2002. I started this blog in 2004 as a place to journal and eventually I became part of a community. The community has moved on, but I have decided to come back.

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Update

I've been swamped with work for about a month and I haven't had any new adoption news, so I've been neglecting this blog (among other things).

I haven't talked to my daughter or her parents since the last time I called. It's kind of anticlimactic after Mother's Day, but it really has been that busy. Her mom sent me new pictures a couple weeks ago and I haven't even looked at those. The scrapbook pages I did are sitting in the same place in my living room.

I do have something exciting and nerve-wracking coming up. I'm going to the Lifegiver's Festival next week. It's sort of like a retreat for birthmothers in open adoption. I'm terrified. I'm not good at meeting new people, I hate getting emotional, and I get really nervous staying away from home.

But it's the perfect time to go. I won't know how to answer my daughter's questions and this will teach me. I'll let you know how it goes.

Monday, June 06, 2005

Firefox Question

I would love it if my links showed up on their own lines in Firefox. It's fine in IE, but in Firefox, they're all mushed together.

Anyone know how to fix it?

Scrapbooking

I dragged out all my scrapbooking stuff this weekend and completed four pages yesterday. It's weird to look at pictures from so long ago. I really want to catch up with it. I really enjoy scrapbooking. I'm not really artistic, but I don't find that making nice scrapbook pages is overly challenging. I'm sometimes overwhelmed with the amount of embellishments out there, but I find that once I get going, my pictures are usually enough to make the page.

The funny thing about being a birthmother scrapping is that I usually have about 30 pictures I want to use from one visit. It's a little different from the few great pictures you would normally have from a special day. I got a really great book about cropping photos creatively that has really helped me be able to use more pictures without getting boring. I keep procrastinating on the journaling part of it though. I have beautiful pages with spaces to write in, but I never have the energy to write. In time, I suppose.

I also called my daughter last night. I hadn't talked to them since that Mother's Day call and I didn't want her mom to think I was freaked out. It was a brief call, but it was good. I have no idea when my next visit will be, but I'm okay with that.

I'm planning to attend the Lifegiver's Festival in July. It's like a conference/ retreat for birthmothers in open adoptions. The idea is to help birthmothers navigate the complicated relationships that result in open adoption (including relationships with spouses and immediate family). I need it this year. Between my daughter's new knowledge and my fiance's new fears, I could use the help.


Friday, June 03, 2005

Missing Her

I really miss my daughter tonight.

I just came home from the cast party at my school. Middle school kids. They all had so much fun and it was so nice to watch them. It's a great age and I feel really attached to some of them.

Driving home, all I could think of was my daughter. I wish I could share nights like that with her. I wish I could share her.

As I look at old pictures, I'm realizing that she really does look like me and as her personality develops, I see my mannerisms. It's amazing how biology works. One of my friends pointed out that my daughter stands like me- one hand in her pocket and the other by her side. That picture is stuck in my head.

The drive home was hard. I imagined her there with me, a little older- sharing a laugh, holding my hand, standing close to me the way kids do. I wanted it to be true. I wanted her to be my daughter in every way- to share that special bond that mothers and daughters do.

Tonight my reasons aren't good enough. Tonight I wish I had made a different choice. Tonight I just want her to be mine.

I miss her.