About Me

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I placed my daughter in an open adoption in 2002. I started this blog in 2004 as a place to journal and eventually I became part of a community. The community has moved on, but I have decided to come back.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Hey All

I have no news to share (unless the million dollars I just spent on pictures is news).

Mostly I just want to say that this blog is very sporadic.

I started it for me. I never make time for a written journal so I decided to keep an online one. I know how important journaling can be in adoption.

I chose to keep it public because I figured one person might find it helpful or learn something. I also kept it public so that my loved ones would have a place to find out more (I'm pretty closed up in real life.)

In the past month or so, I've gotten some regular readers and a few folks have linked here. I check my traffic. I know there are a few of you who check in every day.

It makes me feel bad that I don't post regularly.

I write when I'm feeling something, and even then it has to be convenient timing. I think about adoption every day, but I don't always have something to say about it.

I hope you will all keep coming but I don't want to write just because. I have a regular (and not very exciting) blog that I try to update regularly, but I want this one to stay the way it is. A haven. A dark corner. Whichever need it fills the day I choose to write.

I will try to follow through on my urges to post, but this blog will never be predictable.

My life isn't. My adoption experience hasn't been.

I'd also love it if people commented. Many of you have and I appreciate it. I hope you will also talk to each other, offer a different perspective, share a similar story. It seems that for many of us, there is a huge void where shared experiences should be. It seems that we are all so hungry to talk to someone else in the adoption triad. We have been aching for each other.

Friday, September 23, 2005

Where's Your Daddy?

Hopefully, my dad will read this. I keep forgetting to tell him.

I know I mentioned awhile ago that my daughter asked about my parents. I thought it was weird but a onetime thing.

It wasn't.

Every time I've talked to my daughter, she's asked me where my daddy is.

On her birthday, she asked and I told her that he was at home. "Can I talk to him?" she said, clearly thinking I'd hand over the phone.

When I explained that I don't live with him, she wanted to know why. She didn't understand.

It's so odd to me. Why the obsession with my dad?

I got a little insight when I visited. She loves her dad- so much that everyone else feels neglected. Also, when we looked at her lifebook, she has clearly memorized the players. My sister, she knows. My mom, stepmom, and dad, she wouldn't know. All she has is a picture of them holding her.

It definitely means something to her that I have a stepmother. I sensed that it helped her process her own experience of having two moms.

But my dad- she's obsessed. I was hoping she'd mention it at the party. I would have called him. I'm sure my dad would be thrilled.

Maybe next time.


Tuesday, September 13, 2005

My FIL Continues to Amaze Me

Like any parent, I love showing off pictures of my daughter.

My FIL came up last night while I was going through the pictures from the weekend. I don't usually show him, but the pictures are so cute so I wanted to show him one.

I pulled up one of her with her cake. I showed him.

"Show me more." he said. He told me he liked looking at them. I picked some of the nicer ones. He said she has my smile.

It was so nice.

Goodbye

My daughter woke up around 5:30 from a bad dream. I admit I felt awkward comforting her when her mom walked in. She fell back asleep quickly.

She stubbed her toe getting out of bed in the morning. It wasn't a good start to the morning. It was her first day of big girl swim class (no parents). We got her all ready, but she wouldn't go in the water. I wasn't really surprised. It was a full weekend for her.

We went back to her house. I was planning to leave then. They had plans for the afternoon.

Instead, we played with her new toys. It seemed like her parents were happy to have the chance to clean up from the party while the two of us played. It was a wonderful two hours.

Her mom came in around noon and we went outside to take some pictures before I left.

I'm really glad I had the morning with her.

It's been hard since coming home. This strange sort of motherhood is really wearing on me. Even though things are great, I can't help thinking about what it would have been like if I'd parented her. She has the life I wanted for her and she's happy and loved. I don't want anyone to think it has anything to do with her parents.

It's just that you have these ideas about what life will be like for your child and they all include you.

I hate that I'm not her mommy even though I think I made the right choice.

The Remainder of the Day

There was some time between parties (yes, she had two). We played in the yard and opened some gifts. Her godmother and I pushed her on the swing. She likes to have someone on both sides.

I felt so much more comfortable this time.

My daughter and I took walk into the front yard and as we were there, her family arrived. Usually, once they arrive, my daughter plays with her cousins the rest of the time and I just watch. She was excited to see them, but she stayed there holding my hand. During the rest of the party, she took turns with all of us.

Perhaps that helped my comfort. It's easier to feel like I belong there when my daughter chooses to play with me. Plus, I've met the family a few times now and I really like them (especially her cousins). They are starting to feel like my family. It's a great feeling.

My sister arrived. She loves kids and has no problem jumping right into the play. They played T-ball. I got some great pictures of them. My daughter is so cute and so much fun to play with. I felt more comfortable with my sister there so I hoisted my daughter up to play the way I used to with my nieces and nephews. It was so nice to hear my daughter laughing.

We had cake and then the party ended somewhat abruptly. Everyone said their goodbyes.

The godmother and I stayed. The rest of the presents were opened. My daughter was a little cranky after such a full day with no nap. She wanted her godmother to sleep over. I tried not to feel guilty. Her godmother will see her again before I do. I did feel a little like I was imposing. Everyone was tired and my daughter's mom was a little cranky, too with everything that had to be done. It was a pain to get my bed ready. I felt bad.

My daughter wanted to read her lifebook (she calls it her baby book). Her mom told me a few times how much she loves it and how she wants to read it all the time. Like last time, she didn't want to read it with just me. It was fine. My daughter expressed it so well: "I want you to look at it together and talk about it." It's hard to believe she's three.

We sat on her bed with her in the middle. She got comfortable. She laid her head in her mom's lap and soon streched her legs out so that her feet were in my lap.

She watched me. Big eyes. Searching my face. It was hard to read, but so good and perfect at the same time. Her mom chimed in every so often. I had a harder time chiming in. I was concentrating on getting the words out. It was like I had tunnel vision. I rubbed my daughter's legs in absent-minded comfort and read words that felt dry off the page.

When we got to the pictures of her birthfather, my daughter stopped. She asked who it was and watched me for an answer. I asked her (we do that a lot when we know she knows the answer.) She wouldn't answer. I told her that was her birthfather. "My birthfather?" and she pointed at herself. "Yes." I answered. She grinned big and scrunched up her shoulders the way kids do when they're happy and said proudly: "He maked me."

Her mom chimed in a little and then we kept reading. She tried to fight sleep. It didn't work, she fell fast asleep as I read. It felt so good to see her sleeping so peacefully (and I was relieved that I didn't have to keep reading.)

We tucked her in. I was tired, but her mom invited me downstairs and I didn't want her to feel like I only cared about my daughter so I went down.

We chatted about work and stuff and then around 11, we went to bed.

It was a really good day.

The Kid's Party

I was nervous about going.

I figured I'd stick out- the only adult there without a child.

On the drive, I gathered up the courage to ask my daughter's mom what to say if someone asked who I was.

When I pulled up to their house, my daughter's godmother was just getting out of her car. I wouldn't be the only child-free one. I breathed a sigh of relief. We played for a few minutes and then piled into the car.

Caps for Sale had been added to the backseat pocket. My daughter asked her godmother to read it. My daughter saw the inscription on the inside cover and asked who bought it for her. Her godmother asked whose name it was and my daughter replied with mine. I think I enjoyed the reading more than she did. It was one of my favorite books as a kid.

The party was fine. It was weird being around so many kids. The parents all knew each other. They must have felt my don't-talk-to-me vibes. We shared smiles but no words. I didn't feel uncomfortable.

I had more moments with my daughter than I usually do at her birthday parties. She came over to hug me or play with me a few times. Every now and then she would check for my necklace ("I gave that to you....do you wear it everyday?....why?")

The party was short. There were some little rides and some arts and crafts. My daughter beamed as everyone sang to her. Her best friend's family were the last to go. My daughter walked with them toward the parking lot. No one followed. The mother looked around for someone to watch my daughter. I stepped over to take her hand. The mother said excitedly, "Are you her birthmother?" My daughter had joined her friend. The mother told me how amazed they are by her. She then said, "You know a lot of it is genes so it's a real testament to you." I was so moved.

She was so nice.

Wake Me Up When September Ends

Excerpts from Wake Me Up When September Ends by Greenday:

here comes the rain again
falling from the stars
drenched in my pain again
becoming who we are

as my memory rests
but never forgets what I lost
wake me up when september ends

Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
wake me up when september ends

Thursday, September 08, 2005

Sleep

I don't want to be the facilitator.

I just want one person in my life to take it upon themselves to learn about open adoption. Just one.

I love my online birthmom friends, but I'm one of those too and I know we can't be the primary source of support for each other. We may be the only ones who really "get it." but we shouldn't be the only ones who try.

Go to Open Adoption Insight. Read one book. Do one online search. Read my blog.

Yeah, I know. If they read my blog, I wouldn't have to write this.

Sorry to be a downer. Let's see: new school year, hurricane, seasonal second job, daughter's birthday. I wonder why I'm not feeling better. Although I should clarify- school is going great, but Psychology 101 says positive stressors are still stressors.

The party is on Saturday.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Harder

I don't really feel like chatting.

This weekend was very difficult. It was a mixture of not being prepared and not being acknowledged.

Nobody remembered.

I shouldn't say that. A birthmother I met a few years ago (online) remembered. We've never talked. She occassionally sends me forwards. I was really touched that she remembered.

That was it. No one in my adoption group mentioned it. Not one friend or family member called or emailed.

It sucked.

As if being a birthmother doesn't make me feel worthless enough.

For the record, you can do two things: a simple "I'm thinking of you" or a "Hey, happy birthday to your daughter." are fine. I'm not looking for anything exciting- just some kind of acknowledgement that the day has meaning for me.

Thanks to Aimee and Mike who wouldn't know her birthday by themselves, but who acknowledged it as soon as they heard. It means a lot.

Sunday, September 04, 2005

Happy Birthday, Baby Girl!


Birthday wishes to you on your third birthday.

Edited

My daughter is three today. I don't know why I had it in my head that her birthday was tomorrow. When I saw the calendar this morning, I was unprepared.

All the hard days seem harder this year.

Friday, September 02, 2005

Birthday

My daughter turns three on Monday Sunday.

It's definitely getting to me.