About Me

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I placed my daughter in an open adoption in 2002. I started this blog in 2004 as a place to journal and eventually I became part of a community. The community has moved on, but I have decided to come back.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Emotional

I'm feeling emotional these days. I'm still carrying so much anger and I'm trying to deal with that.

I'm especially missing my daughter today. I looked at some pictures and it made me miss her.

On a more positive note, it's been nice to talk about her freely lately. It seems that everyone in my life knows right now and the important people aren't freaked out when I talk about her. The freedom of speech has been a welcome change since the move. It was always too awkward to talk about her there.

And I need to talk about her. She is part of me, part of my life, and so many things remind me of her.

Lately I've told a lot of "when I was pregnant" stories. It's good to be able to do that.

Hopefully I'll talk to her soon. It's been awhile.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Business

I'm feeling guilty about not posting lately. I've been caught up with school and life.

My latest class is adolescent psychology and I'm joining the long line of birthmothers who choose to use their adoption experience to write papers for college. We had to pick a topic on adolescents, describe how it impacts them, and discuss what educators can do about it. I chose adoption and adolescents.

If anyone knows any good resources, let me know.

Much thanks.

Also, I've decided to lighten my words on here. The number one complaint about my blog is readability. I'm pretty stubborn about my reds, but I thought maybe if I used a lighter shade, it'd help. Thoughts?

Short Thoughts

FauxClaud sent us over to Dawn today to read about a recent experience Dawn had with her daughter.

It was really beautiful and sad and all that.

Coming from the other side and being a book addict, I really related to the whole projecting thing. I had those thoughts recently at my visit- wondering if some of my daughter's difficulty with my recent move was because I left her, too.

Like Jessica and some of the commenters, I just felt like my daughter knew who I was long before they officially told her. I think they saw it, too, and that it was what ultimately led them to decide to keep me in their lives.

Interestingly, my daughter was also colicky. I had read the literature on adoption and I often wanted to attribute it to missing me. I kept quiet because I was unsure and it wasn't my place and our relationship was rocky then.

Anyway, what Dawn did was beautiful. It really got me thinking.

Sunday, July 09, 2006

Last Weekend's Visit

I arrived at the pool around noon. They said my daughter wouldn’t stop asking when I was coming. She held back more than usual. I filled her mom in on the move and she told me my daughter had a lot of questions about it. You could see her struggling with it when it did come up but her questions were really scattered throughout the visit.
She did want to do everything I did. She copied much of what I did and said and kept her eye on me as she always does. When I told her that I eat watermelon with a fork she decided she wanted a fork. We sat for awhile. My daughter asked if I talk about her and when I said yes told me she didn’t want me to.
We swam some. We played in the kids’ pool with her mom and just the two of us. She wanted to play follow the leader with me as the leader. We had a great time and I was left wishing once again that someone would have taken pictures of us playing together.
I went off to swim on my own. She came with me at first but then changed her mind so I swam. I’ve always loved the water. She came looking for me, but wouldn’t swim with me or for me. She was getting cranky so she went back to her dad and I swam some more. Eventually she came back and after much prodding, she showed me how she swims by herself now. Her smile was so big and she didn’t take her eyes off me. It was wonderful. I spun her around in the water and we played. She asked me to sleep over and then asked her mom if I could. We’d already arranged it, but it was nice that she wanted me to.
When we were ready to go, her mom brought her to the shower and then sent her back to me so I could get her dressed. And so I dried her off and helped her into clean clothes and got to brush her hair. Those are the moments I miss. She refused to take a picture with me- she was still cranky and she’d often go into a daze which made me wonder where her thoughts were. Her hair is gorgeous. It’s naturally wavy with blond highlights. It’s taken so long to grow in, but she really has beautiful hair.
We went out to dinner which was pleasant. It was a seafood place which worried me, but it was delicious. Mostly the adults talked, but my daughter was attentive and I wonder what she picked up.
It was late by the time we got home. My daughter wants to do everything herself so we got the bedroom ready and she got ready for bed. I read her a story, but she wouldn’t sit with me and she picked a word book. This was her talking time though. She shared a bunch of stories and asked me lots of questions. There was nothing earth-shattering, but it felt close.
We crawled into bed (I sleep on a trundle in her room) and she scooted over to the edge to smile down at me and to keep asking questions. She threw her arm over the edge of the bed so I could hold her hand and she just looked at me with the most beautiful face ever. I stroked her hair til she fell asleep.
The morning began with another big smile. This was the first time she’s woken up clearly happy to see me. We played ponies because she remembered playing with them with me the last time I was there. She pointed out all the things I had done to their hair. We had breakfast and then went outside to play on the swings. She laughed and sang. When she sang at breakfast, I asked her mom what song it was and she told me that she just makes up songs. I do the same and so the whole weekend, it really felt like being with a mini version of myself. As we played on the swings, we took turns making up songs.
She didn’t want me to leave, but I wasn’t really prepared to stay another day- I barely brought enough for the one day. She asked a bunch of times for me to stay and it was tough. She also talked about living together. Once with me living at her house (she told her mom she’d share a room with me) and once with her living with me. I told her she could visit me.
It really seemed related to my move. She did ask questions. She wondered why I moved, she wondered why no one lived with me (and said I was mean for not having someone living with me), she wanted to know why I wasn’t going to see him anymore and suggested that “my family” is already missing me. I assured her that she could come see my new place and this morning, lacking a better explanation for leaving my fiance, I told her that I was going to find a better boyfriend. That actually seemed to make her happy and to satisfy the questions. Her only request was that she be able to meet my new boyfriend.
And so I went home. It really was a great visit. I’m happier and more relaxed. My daughter is growing up so fast and she’s fun and beautiful. I loved every moment. She gave me a big hug goodbye and waved happily. I can’t wait to see her again.

Saturday, July 01, 2006

It's Done

I have moved.

I'm also going to visit my daughter tomorrow. Her mom invited me last weekend. I'm meeting them at the pool so I went bathing suit shopping today. It was horrible. I'm not happy with what I got, but I ran out of time and I have no idea where my old bathing suits are (that whole moving thing) so I settled. The world won't end.

I can't wait to see her.

Those of you who are curious about the moving details (it was quite an experience) can check out my moving updates here.

I won't have internet service for at least a week so posting will likely be sporadic.

Hope you are all well.