About Me

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I placed my daughter in an open adoption in 2002. I started this blog in 2004 as a place to journal and eventually I became part of a community. The community has moved on, but I have decided to come back.

Friday, November 30, 2007

More On That Conversation

Mamagigi asked me some good questions so I thought I'd say more about that conversation.

I didn't really react when it happened. I was more shocked than anything else. The exchange was so quick and so unexpected. I just wanted to be honest with her and find a way to answer that she could wrap her five year-old thoughts around. Later both her grandmother and mother mentioned it to me. I guess they had ended up discussing it. They approached me separately- both commenting about how out of the blue it was and wondering out loud about why she never has questions about her birthfather.

It was the first time her mom had brought up adoption stuff like that with me. Some smaller things have come up, but this time she asked what I thought and how I kept it together.

Regretfully, I didn't say much. I really didn't know how to respond. In my head I was thinking that my new meds were the only thing that kept me from having an immediate breakdown, but for right now, I've chosen not to tell them that I'm back on medication. I was also quite tired and still processing it all. I'm not sure that we'll end up talking about it again.

I felt great for the rest of the visit and the whole ride home. I just had so much fun playing with my daughter and bonding with her one on one. I really do feel so conected to her.

This weekend, once I was home, I completely fell apart. It was awful and scary and lasted about five days.

My therapist believes it was related to the visit. She said that now that my life is better and more stable, it's getting harder to live with my choice. It was interesting because my therapist's assessment matches the research yet she has no experience with adoption counseling. Adoption wasn't why I started seeing her. I wonder if she's been doing her homework since getting me as a patient.

My daughter and I had two more interesting conversations that I'll write about another day. Right now, I need to take care of the rest of my life.

Thanks for all of the support.

Friday, November 23, 2007


I called her before I left. She was incredibly chatty and excited that I was coming and staying over.

It was a beautiful day and the traffic was moving normally.

Despite my late start, I arrived at a decent time. My daughter ran in for a hug immediately.

I chatted with her folks while she and her grandma made me a picture upstairs. She snuck it into my bag until her grandma told her to hand it to me instead.

Soon she asked to go play outside: "Just you and me?" she asked. "Sure," I replied. There was no hesitation. I no longer worry if it's okay. I know that it is.

We went for a long walk around the neighborhood. We inspected leaves and storm drains and bugs. She brought back a huge stick that she planted like a tree in the yard.

We played on the swings.

We played with some ladybugs.

We stayed outside for about two hours.

She insisted on sitting with me for dinner. It was delicious. She was wonderful.

After dinner, we played alone again while everyone else cleaned up. We played Go Fish. She beat me at memory twice in a row. I almost didn't play memory with her because I'm really good at it. She's unbelievable. I was trying to win both times, but she has a mixture of good luck and a perfect memory. She only had to see each card once to know exactly where to find it the second time. I was amazed. The first game, she had eight matches to my four. The second game she had seven to my five and she was barely paying attention (she lasts about one round of each activity before she wants to move on to something else).

This time she chose to sleep in her room so I got the trundle bed. She wanted her daddy to put her to sleep so I went downstairs until he came back down.

I was up and dressed before her the next morning.

She came down happily and we played some more.

During breakfast, the topic of having children came up, which may be a story for later.

We played with magnetix for a bit and she first copied what I made and then instructed me to make a baby out of the magnetix.

I helped her get dressed after her shower which also led to a conversation for another post.

Then we were off to get her Christmas pictures done. We waited forever and she wouldn't smile, but there were a couple of cute ones. Before we left, she was glad to hear that I was going.

We also went to see Santa and had lunch at the mall. By then, she only wanted her mom, but it was fine. She also begged her mom to pick her up at her grandma's house later instead of having her spend the night.

We headed back to her house and shje asked if I'd play outside with her some more. I hadn't planned to stay much longer. We started by playing with the fish cards again. She likes to make up her own games. At one point I lined my cards up in a specific order that she then carefully copied.

Eventually we did go outside.

We had a great time playing on the swings and singing songs. I taught her Raffi's apples and bananas song which she enjoyed and wanted to keep on singing.

Her dad came home and she ran to say hello, but still wanted to stay outside to play, so we did. At one point we were playing on the monkey bars (again, again!) and I saw her dad watching from inside. We were having fun.

We probably spent two hours playing outside.

Eventually we took our cold noses inside and I got ready to leave. I got a big kiss and hug and some treats for the road and then I left.

I felt great on the ride home. Some of the conversations were jarring, but I had a great visit and it really felt like I'd gotten what I needed to keep my head up until the next visit.

Once I was home though I crashed pretty hard. It's been a difficult weekend.

You Can't Make This Stuff Up

My daughter is five.

I spend Thanksgiving with her every year.

Yesterday afternoon the family started talking about hair. My daughter's hair is dirty blonde. Mine is dark brown. Her grandma asked about my hair and I replied that it was even darker when I was a kid. My mom sent digital copies of all my childhood school pictures to my daughter's mom shortly after my daughter was born. They are at the beginning of my daughter's baby album. So her mom decided that we could just take a look at those pictures to see what color my hair was back then.

We looked at those pictures and then my daughter started going through the album: the sonogram picture, me pregnant- she studied them all.

Then she came to a picture of all of us outside the hospital the day we left. I couldn't see the picture from where I was sitting, but I could make out that it was there.

Her: (to me) Were you crying in this picture?
Me: Probably.
Her: How come?
Me: Because it was sad to say goodbye to you.
Her: Then why did you give it to mommy? [those were her exact words]
Me: Because I couldn't take care of you.
Her: Yes you could.
Me: Well I didn't think I could.

My five-year old doesn't think her adoption was necessary.

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Twiddling my Thumbs

I've been trying to call my daughter all week, but nobody's answering. I haven't talked to them since I moved.

I'm really missing her.

Saturday, November 03, 2007

Checking In

I should have signed up for blog writing month so that I'd actually post.

We're in.

I got an email from my daughter. Her mom was teaching her how to use it. It made my day. It's been a difficult week. Too much going on plus the meds I started did the opposite of what they were supposed to do. I'm off them now, but I've had horrible withdrawal.