About Me

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I placed my daughter in an open adoption in 2002. I started this blog in 2004 as a place to journal and eventually I became part of a community. The community has moved on, but I have decided to come back.

Saturday, December 29, 2007

Christmas Visit

I spent most of the drive there in tears.

I was thrilled that they'd invited me to spend the day alone with her, but I was also terrified.

At the last minute, my beau couldn't come. I was unable to make an appointment with my psychiatrist. I had no gift for her or her parents.

I was a wreck.

I got a huge hug from her when I got there. She showed me all her toys. Her mom showed me what I needed to babysit. They relieved some of my tension by laughing with me a bit about my nerves.

We visited a bit and then it was time for bed.

The next morning, I heard a lot of noise. Turns out, my daughter's mom's boss called her that morning to give her the day off. I did feel a little bit of disappointment, but mostly I was relieved.

Her mom did run some errands throughout the day giving us a few hours at a time alone. My daughter said she missed her mom, but she stayed happy and content.

I also gave my daughter her bath which was probably the most stressful part of the visit.

We played outside a lot: riding her bike and her scooter, playing in mud puddles, bouncing a ball.

We played inside: with the Floam I'd brought her, painting her nails, doing flips and eating her belly, reading, doing a puzzle.

I love playing with her and it's so comfortable.

They wanted me to stay another night, but I couldn't. My daughter did insist I at least stay for dinner so that my drive home would be safer. What it really meant was that I didn't get home until 11:30 at night. I always feel a little guilty declining a longer visit, but I need to do what's healthy.

My moods are no better and seeing my daughter is definitely not helping. I'm very worried about my mental health right now.

Notable conversations:

Lots of asking about my favorites.

Lots of comments about my belly and having babies.

A couple questions about who I was to her and to everyone else in her family.

A request to have a boy and give it to her ("But what if you have two boys?") which was a difficult one to answer without crying.

She also pulled out the "real mom" thing, telling her mom over lunch that she wasn't her real mom, that I was. I thought I would choke on my sandwich. Instead, I told her it wasn't true, that both of us were her real mom (very unusual for me to take over.)
Her: "So I have two moms."
Her mom: "Yes."
Her: "And two dads?"
Her mom: "Yes"
Her: Who's my other dad?"
Me: "His name is R******."
She repeated it and then the conversation was over.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Closing Up Shop

Dear Internet,

Even though I've been really upset to lose some of my favorite blogs, I'm going to join the many who've stopped blogging.

Like some of them, I may come back, but right now I don't think it's likely.

Blogging is no longer soothing for me. I used to write when I felt like my brain was going to explode. It was a release. I don't remember the last time it felt like that for me.

If I ever have something big I want to say, my plan is to use Dawn's Open Adoption Support site instead.

I don't plan to disappear. I just plan to read and comment rather than trying to keep up my own site.

I'm not planning to block access here or take anything down.

There's still a chance I'll come back. It's already public. I'm proud of what is here.

Everyone out in blogland has been such a huge support for me. I'm so happy about all the people I've found. I like knowing that there is one place I can go to where there are other people like me. So I'll continue to visit you, and I thank you for visiting me.


Edited to Add: First of all, thank you. Second, as of right now I'm keeping my other blog going. Though I don't write about adoption there, you can always head there to see what I'm up to. I've considered merging the two so I would have more to post about, but I'm not sure that I want to do that.

Saturday, December 08, 2007


I have a MySpace.

My former fiance convinced me to do it and since then I've been content to have a few friends tucked neatly into my friends list. I've found a few old friends that way, too, so I like it for that. I really don't use it like you're supposed to, but it works for me.

I have pictures of my daughter on my MySpace. Initially, being open on there wasn't an issue. Everyone I added knew the whole story.

I purposely avoided using my real name or my main email account, and for awhile, I refused to put any real pictures on it. I didn't want to be found. I wanted to be selective about who I became friends with on there.

But slowly some other people found me and I started adding them- mostly people who knew about my daughter, but didn't know I placed but a few others as well.

So far it's made for only one awkward exchange with someone who I thought knew the whole story, but who actually didn't even know I had a kid.

Last year, a work friend asked if I had a MySpace. She's one of the few people at work that I've told about my daughter. I explained why I kept it privateand she got it. I actually was going to add her but we never got around to exchanging pages.

Recently, I've started becoming a little closer to a whole group of people at work. I found one of them on MySpace and sent a message, but didn't do a friend request. We've continued to send occasional messages, but so far neither of us have tried to add each other (there's more to the story that makes that make sense, but it's not relevant enough).

I'm sort of hoping it never comes up. If I were to add this person (and I would be willing to), I'd open myself up to friend requests from a whole bunch of work people.

Sure, I'd be willing to let in some, but once I'm on a couple of work people's pages, other people from work would start trying to add me. For most, adding random acquaintances is not a big deal, but there are a few people I'd never want to let in, and that makes me not want to start it all.

Once I add one work friend, how do I turn down anyone else that decides to put in a request?

Who knew it would be so complicated?

Monday, December 03, 2007

Another Conversation

We were in her bedroom either before or after her shower.

She lifted up my shirt to see my belly.

She made a comment about coming out of my belly button. I have a dark scar on my belly button.

Her: Is that where they cut you open to take me out?

Me: They didn't cut me open.
I say something about her not coming out of my belly.

Her: Well, where did I come out?

Me: Um, I think you should ask your mom about that.

Her: Show me where I came out. I'll give you a dollar.

Me: (laughing) You can't bribe me. You can ask your mom.

Her: How about a penny? How about zero?

I laugh and explain the concept of bribery to her. She increases her offer to $25. I tell her I don't want her money and won't take it.

She asks several more times for me to show her. A part of me feels bad because it clearly is important to her, but there is no way I'm giving a sex ed lesson without talking to her mom.

Eventually she drops it.

Sunday, December 02, 2007

Here Comes Santa Claus!

I'm Christmas shopping tonight. I prefer to do it online. I've been picking out some things for my daughter.

So far, I've ordered the book.

I put a very cool game in my bookmarks to decide on later.

I've been checking out this super cool puzzle, but it's a bit pricey, so maybe another time.

I'm going to make a CD.

All I need to do now is pick out an ornament.

Saturday, December 01, 2007

It's That Time Again

One week from now, my daughter will be here for my annual Christmas party.

She'll also get to meet my favorite relative for the first time.

I can't wait.