About Me

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I placed my daughter in an open adoption in 2002. I started this blog in 2004 as a place to journal and eventually I became part of a community. The community has moved on, but I have decided to come back.

Monday, December 29, 2008

More Visiting Difficulty

So I was invited to spend Christmas with them this year. My fiance and I wanted to spend it at home so I declined. The problem is that the only other time they offered was during the week with me babysitting during the day.

I just can't do it.

I made arrangements to drive out there today with babysitting tomorrow, but I've been in tears since I woke up. The thought of babysitting is throwing me into anxiety mode.

I called my fiance to come with me instead. It means another day off for him after he took last week to spend with me, but it's either that or make up some excuse about why I can't go. I don't think I'd get through the ride without an anxiety attack. Hopefully they won't be upset about our late arrival tonight.

I wish I knew what to do. I know she needs to see me. She;s in a stage right now where I'm very important. All she wants to talk about when we call is when I'm coming again. Whenever I say I can't come that day she comes up with all these ways for me to do it. I know I can't let her down-that I'm the adult in this, but I'm no good to her if I'm not functioning. There has to be a happy medium.

My fiance and I are planning to move across the country next summer. I used to say I'd never leave because it would take me away from my daughter, but now I can't wait to go so that my visits will be limited.

Edit: Going on Thursday instead so her folks will be there too.

Friday, November 28, 2008

I Don't Enjoy My Visits Anymore

For some reason, I just don't enjoy visiting anymore. Last time I went, I babysat, and I thought my lack of enjoyment was because of the babysitting (it was rough). I didn't enjoy this visit either. I sobbed myself to sleep and considered driving home in the middle of the night just because I didn't want to stay.

My daughter is still going through the mom thing ("You're my mom and she's my mommy."). We played a game, watched movies and TV, and read one of the books I brought her (I brought two books and two movies cuz I brought nothing for her birthday). I watched her play Wii for a bit. We had a delicious Thanksgiving dinner (that my daughter chose not to join us for).

Everyone fell asleep watching Alvin and the Chipmunks, except me. While they all trotted off to bed, I finished the movie. Maybe it was being the only one up in the house that set me off. I don't know.

This morning was better. The highlight was my daughter jumping into my arms to say goodbye. As usual she wanted me to stay longer, but I just couldn't. She said I only came because I was her birthdaughter. There were a lot of birthdaughter/birthchild references this weekend.

I think part of it is that I have no say. I don't love all the things that they do. I really don't love the fact that her parents show so little affection for each other. I'm jealous of all the little lovey things they share with her. I still feel awkward.

I don't know. I just don't enjoy it anymore.

Sunday, September 28, 2008


Friday night: Drive in pouring rain. Get there at 8:30ish


Saturday: gymnastics (cool), swim (cut short due to crying), McDonald's, flower girl dress trying on and buying (she told the lady she had two moms).

Saturday night: babysitting- pizza party, High School Musical, Wii, and random breaking down in tears, much of it about missing her mom (that was fun), snuggling her to sleep because she wanted me to stay with her.

Sunday: more driving, less rain

Tuesday, September 23, 2008


For the first time since my daughter was born, I missed her birthday party.

I planned to go, but decided the morning of that I just couldn't cram it in to an already packed weekend.

I felt awful.

I missed the birthday during the year when she's obsessed with me.

My fiance wants to move across the country next summer so this was probably the last birthday party I could attend.

It was rough.

The silver lining is that I'll be going there this weekend and staying from Friday to Sunday.

Thursday, September 04, 2008


It's my daughter's birthday today.

I just got home and realized I hadn't called. Now it's too late to call.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

I Have No Words

Just as I climbed into bed last night, my phone rang.

It was fairly early. I figured it was my stepmom calling about wedding stuff. We have a three hour time difference.

It was my daughter.

They're on vacation in Hawaii right now.

I asked her what she was doing in Hawaii.

"Crying because I'm missing you."

Friday, August 01, 2008

Tough Decision

I canceled my visit with my daughter this weekend.

It was a very tough decision.

My grandfather is in the hospital in critical care. Right now it's day to day. My sister is flying in tonight from across the country.

I had planned to go anyway because it's not like there is anything I can do about it just by staying home. Plus, my daughter is really focused on me these days and I don't know how she'll take it.

The thing is my daughter's birthmother obsession is part of why I don't want to go. I just don't think I could handle all her current questions and comments with my grandfather on my mind. On the other hand, it's quite possible that a fun day with my daughter would be just what I need.

For me the biggest thing was that I'd hate to be four hours away visiting with them and get a call that my grandfather didn't make it.

I just hope my daughter doesn't react badly.

Edit: My grandfather came home from the hospital on Tuesday, August 12! Yay!

Monday, July 28, 2008


My daughter's birthfather has a son from a previous relationship.
Lately my daughter is asking questions about that and is wanting to meet her brother.
I've had no luck contacting her birthfather in months, but I emailed again asking him to send some recent pictures. He's never been willing to send anything I've asked for, but hopefully for our daughter's sake he will this time.
Her mom said the lifebook I made her has helped a lot.
I just feel so sad for her.

Monday, July 21, 2008


My daughter finished kindergarten this year. I can't believe how old she's getting. I don't want her to grow up.

Her last few messages and calls were all about when I was coming. I love that she asks me to visit and tells me she misses me and sends me kisses over the phone.

We're heading there his weekend for hr end of kindergarten party.

I can't wait to see her.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

My NYC Visit

I saw my daughter again this weekend because her parents got me tickets to see Wicked on Broadway.

Most of the time was spent away from her, but I did get some time with her.

Right now she's really testing her boundaries in a disciplinary way and I have to say that my boyfriend and I were overwhelmed.

On another note, one notable comment from her: "You should have paid for [my daycare] because you're my real mom."

She also said she should have a sleepover at my house. Maybe it will happen.

She's really struggling with the real mom thing. I don't feel up to writing more about it, but there is a bunch going on in my head about that.

Anyway, we went to a local farm on Sunday. They were having a special event with lots of activities so it was fun.

We're going back again in two more weeks for the annual trip to the pool. They were hoping we'd have our suits this weekend, but we didn't. I'm glad because our trip to the city was exhausting and we barely got through the visiting on Sunday.

With all these visits, I'm feeling quite spoiled this summer.

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

My Visit

Right now my daughter is going through a birthmother obsession.

I get phone calls calling me Miss Birthmother. She tells her mom she can't talk o me because I'm her birthmother.

Pre=party, my daughter explained adoption to me very matter-of-factly using her own story, and told me about her explanation to a friend.

Her mom prepared me before the guests arrived.

I helped get things ready and bring things out.

The first guest arrived. My daughter ran over: "Do you want to meet my birthmother?"

Her mom said my daughter thinks it's cool that she gets to see me.

The party was mildly awkward.

Like her birthday, I got the , "Which kid is yours?" Because my daughter was being open, I had to say "I'm little Poor_Statue's birthmother." The response: "Interesting."

For the water balloon toss, my daughter insisted that I be her partner: "My birthmother is my partner." Most of the time she was focused on her friends, but this was the first event during which she invited me into her play.

At one point, one of the dads asked me what a birthmother was so I told him. He then asked if I'd seen Baby Mama. There was also a brief discussion of Juno after which a different dad said that the only negative was how they made it all seem so easy.

Later the same dad approached me to tell me how well I handled the other dad. He thought it was insensitive and stupid to ask what a birthmother was. We spoke for a bit. He was really nice to me.

I liked all the dads more than the moms, but overall the party was a good one. It didn't wrap up until 11 at night.

During the party, my daughter's mom spoke to me privately. She got all teary eyed as she talked about how much she loves that we are family and how much it means to her and my daughter that I was there that day.

The following day was uneventful. We ate breakfast. We went shopping for a new bike. My daughter told me I had to stay until lunch time. I did. I made the long ride home. This time I was grumpy instead of sad. It lasted all night. I'm not sure why that was the response.

I wonder how long his phase will last.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Open Adoption

I was talking about adoption at a recent counseling appointment when my counselor shared that she knew a woman who grew up in an open adoption. The woman maintained very close relationships with both her moms, something supported by her adoptive mom even as the woman became somewhat closer to her firstmom. She described the woman who was adopted as well-adjusted and really happy about her situation.

I forget where they all originated, but it was so nice to hear about an adult who grew up in an open adoption and how beautifully it turned out.

In related news, my daughter and her family are currently visiting with my mom in Florida. I love that they make time for that on their yearly trip there.

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Mother's Day

We spent Mother's Day at my boyfriend's parents house with lots of Mother's. Every one of them told me "Happy Mother's Day" as we hugged. It was awesome, They are also starting to be more open about talking about motherhood with me and including my motherhood as much as their own. I feel blessed to have become a part of a family that does that.

Just yesterday we had a long conversation about learning to read and it was nice to share stories about how my daughter was learning to read.

I love open adoption.

Sunday, May 11, 2008

On Mom-ness

A comment from a relative:

"You know I've never thought to send a Mother's Day card to [daughter's mom], isn't that awful? She is the mom now."

Happy Mother's Day to all the moms out there.

Thursday, May 08, 2008

The Tough Stuff

I talked to my daughter on Sunday. She wasn't very chatty, but it's always nice to get to talk to her.

As she handed the phone off to her mom, she said to her mom: "She's supposed to be my mom."

Ouch. I'm sure that one stung.

In other news, I handmade mother's day cards for my daughter's mom and grandmother this year and they were both thrilled with them.

Sunday, April 20, 2008

The Sweetest Phone Call

I just got off the phone with my daughter.

Aside from the fact that it was a much needed chat, she was so incredibly sweet.

She started in by inviting me to come over (now!) to play games with her.

She told me about some recent happenings that I promised not to share ("I'm not telling anyone, but I'll tell you cuz you're my birthmom").

She decided she wanted me as a teacher and when I explained that I don't live near her, she said she was going to move out here so I could be her teacher.

She told me she wanted to call me first thing in the morning and that I should get up early to do so.

She gave me kisses (lots of them) over the phone and told me she loved me and that she misses me.

It was a great, great, great phone call!

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Easter Visit

I feel like I just ate for 24 hours straight! I'm stuffed, but I made it home in record time.

My sweetie came with me which means that my daughter stayed absolutely glued to him the entire time. We got a few good shots of the three of us, but my desktop is still out of service so I won't be sharing yet.

She wasn't home when we got there. Once she got home, she pretty much played with my beau all night. I don't mind. It's a lot of pressure off of me and I get to enjoy her just as much.

Last night, we had a delicious dinner and birthday cake for me (very sweet as was the drawing I got from my daughter).

Before bed, my daughter tried lifting up my beau's shirt, then lifted up her own.

Him: You shouldn't be showing people that.
Her: But you can show your birthmom cuz you're born naked and you're my birthdad.
Him: I'm not your birthdad.
Her: (turning to me) Who's my birthdad?
Me: His name is *****

This morning, she wanted to know what my beau was to her and later asked if he'd be her family if we got married.

The good news was that that was the most difficult exchange of the weekend. After the last few visits, that's nothing.

I did get some unsolicited cuddling. We went to Easter mass and she snuggled up to me a few times. At one point she laid her head on my lap and I patted her belly and she grabbed my hand to get me to keep patting. It reminded me of my pregnancy (which ended up on my mind a lot this weekend).

Overall, she cuddles up to me more when my beau is around. As for him, she doesn't leave him for a minute. He loves it.

It was a nice visit. A few weird things with her parents, but overall good.

And as a side note, she's reading pretty well and seems to enjoy the new power it gives her. She likes to try to read the things around her, but doesn't make it through many books. I'm guessing that her comprehension isn't yet good enough for her to want to read the books. She's so focused on the words that the meaning is lost. Plus, easy reader books don't have great stories as it is. She's also still saying that she doesn't like the bilingual program though her mom says otherwise. Her accent is terrific though.

Friday, March 21, 2008

Easter, Birthdays, and Phone Calls

Tomorrow, I'll be heading out to see my daughter.

We've been playing phone tag all week, and although I returned every call, her mom still sounded annoyed when we finally got in touch last night.

It was also the first time she didn't put my daughter on the phone.

And they didn't call me for my birthday this week.

It's making me a bit unsure about the visit.

Luckily, my sweetie is coming so I'll have some moral support.

I'm sure it will be fine. I can't wait to see her.

Tuesday, February 05, 2008


First, thank you to everyone who has followed me over to my other blog. I appreciate that you care enough about me to keep up with the more mundane parts of my life.

On the adoption front, I had a wonderful Christmas visit with my daughter. They actually invited me to sleep over and then babysit all day the next day. Although the actual visit didn't work quite like that, I did have a long visit with a lot of alone time with my daughter. They were hoping I'd stay a second night, but changing my plans last minute isn't easy for me, so I declined. I did write a post about it which I saved in my drafts. Once I make sure it doesn't contain anything too personal, I'll publish that here. [Already done: see below.]

On to the real news....

Back in October, I mentioned that I had restarted medication and therapy. While the therapy was and continues to be great, the medication part was another story. If you've ever tried medication, you understand what the process is like. The short version is that from October to January, I tried two different medications through my primary care physician and reacted very, very badly to both. Of course, you're advised to give medications time so basically I was barely functioning during that time.

That turmoil was part of the reason I had to close this blog.

I don't regret it at all. I felt an immediate sense of relief. With two or three exceptions (my visit, Juno, some of the blog drama), I felt no desire to post.

Thanks to a referral from my therapist to a great psychiatrist, I am currently doing much, much better...........but I'm still not going to reopen this blog.

In the spirit of my post on OAS, I will start writing adoption posts on my other blog. I realize that takes away from a blog somewhat- it's better when a blog has a particular focus- but I think the choice will be right for me: it's hard to continue to separate my two lives, I'm not looking to get a bunch of readers anyway, I'll feel less pressure to post a certain amount because I'll have unlimited topics. I don't have any problem reading blogs that have multiple topics, especially if I've grown to like a person or their writing, so I think it'll be fine.

I need to create a post there explaining the change, and I'll still post my last visit here. I still plan to keep writing over at Open Adoption Support. I still plan to keep this blog available. I don't know how often I'll post about adoption over there, but I'll create a tag so that those of you who only want to read about adoption can do so easily.

Right now, I think it's time to merge.