About Me

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I placed my daughter in an open adoption in 2002. I started this blog in 2004 as a place to journal and eventually I became part of a community. The community has moved on, but I have decided to come back.

Friday, November 28, 2008

I Don't Enjoy My Visits Anymore

For some reason, I just don't enjoy visiting anymore. Last time I went, I babysat, and I thought my lack of enjoyment was because of the babysitting (it was rough). I didn't enjoy this visit either. I sobbed myself to sleep and considered driving home in the middle of the night just because I didn't want to stay.

My daughter is still going through the mom thing ("You're my mom and she's my mommy."). We played a game, watched movies and TV, and read one of the books I brought her (I brought two books and two movies cuz I brought nothing for her birthday). I watched her play Wii for a bit. We had a delicious Thanksgiving dinner (that my daughter chose not to join us for).

Everyone fell asleep watching Alvin and the Chipmunks, except me. While they all trotted off to bed, I finished the movie. Maybe it was being the only one up in the house that set me off. I don't know.

This morning was better. The highlight was my daughter jumping into my arms to say goodbye. As usual she wanted me to stay longer, but I just couldn't. She said I only came because I was her birthdaughter. There were a lot of birthdaughter/birthchild references this weekend.

I think part of it is that I have no say. I don't love all the things that they do. I really don't love the fact that her parents show so little affection for each other. I'm jealous of all the little lovey things they share with her. I still feel awkward.

I don't know. I just don't enjoy it anymore.