About Me

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I placed my daughter in an open adoption in 2002. I started this blog in 2004 as a place to journal and eventually I became part of a community. The community has moved on, but I have decided to come back.

Friday, October 02, 2009

Birthday Visit

So I'm a little late, but I guess I should post a little bit of her birthday.

Lots of hugs, some sharing with friends about birthmom-birthdad- brother stuff. Wanting to know names and if they'll come visit. Acted like it was a source of pride with her friends. At this point in her life she seems really secure with the fact that she was adopted.

It was a rock climbing party. All the other kids were actually doing it and trying. She was the only kid not doing it. It bothered me.

We went to her house and she opened presents. She really liked what I gave her which made me happy. Found an age-appropriate Judy Blume book which her mom was pleased about.

Bed. I didn't sleep at all that night, but I had forgotten my medication so that might have been why. Wasn't even tired driving home the next morning so who knows.

It was a good visit. Nothing earth-shattering to write about. I guess I need to write sooner so that at least if there's nothing adoption related, it'll still feel like a fun post.

Thursday, September 03, 2009

Anyone there?

I'm having trouble believing it's been so long since I posted or how little I posted last year.

Tomorrow my daughter turns seven.

I'd like to say I enjoy visiting more, but I'd be lying. I don't enjoy it.

As for her, she's amazing. I love talking to her. She's still really into the two moms- left me a message that she loved only me. I keep wanting to call, but not remebering. I think I've only managed to call once.

I'm going to make her her own wedding album. I used a computer template to make an official album. I liked it and the photographer's work so much that I want to make her her own album- I think it was an important day for us both.

The party will be next weekend so I'll try to post about that while it's fresh. I do have a few gifts this year, but it's next to impossible to buy a gift for a kid who has everything. Last time I talked to her, I asked what she wanted and she replied, "You don't know what you're getting?"

I do love her hugs so I can't wait for those. And I'm much more stable- finally getting appropriate treatment (a story for another day perhaps)- so I can handle life a bit better.

I hope my absence here will be more brief. I'd like to have my space back.

Sunday, June 07, 2009


Where to begin?

Had a panic attack before leaving. I didn't want to go.

Once I got there it was good. We went and played at a neighbor's house for awhile. Went back to her house. Played with Play Doh and played Mancala while her mom went to the store.

Played outside. Lot's of tag. It was great. Two-person tag. She just liked it when I caught her and lifted her up.

She's still big on the whole "I'm her mommy thing." Seems very natural to her.

Cooking on the grill, and my daughter wanted to eat outside. So her mom asked us to wash the table. My daughter decided to help by pouring water on the table so I wouldn't have to keep going in to rinse out the sponge. Then she went and got soap and water and poured that on the table. We ended up with a big soapy mess. Her mom was pretty pissed. I stopped having fun at that point.

We had a nice dinner. I tried coming up with reasons to leave that night. I couldn't get it out.

I helped my daughter get ready for bed. We sat with a book. I tried telling her that I might now sleep over. "You're kidding, right?" I started crying. First time crying in front of her. Was so hard to hold it back, but I pulled myself together. She asked why I cried at my wedding and I said it was because I was so happy.

I think in her little girl wisdom she got why I was so sad because she dug out the lifebook I made for her and read it to me until her mom called her down to say goodbye to her grandmother.

She asked me to come sit in her bed with her so I did for awhile. She wanted to show me a bunch of stuff, but her mom got upset again because she was pulling so much stuff out.

Played on the swings the next morning.

Overall, I got lots of love from her, but it was rough.

Sometimes her mom laughs things off or allows her to do things that I wouldn't expect her to be allowed to do, but other times, things I think are kind of funny are frowned on. I mean I get the whole lesson about asking first, but my daughter was trying to be helpful, not trying to make a mess. A little bit of "I know you were trying to be helpful, but it made a mess, so next time ask me." It's so hard to know what to allow her to do (not like the whole soap and water thing was my idea.) I say no to a lot, then find out it's okay when one of her parents walks in and she asks. Plus, her dad lets her do a lot of stuff her mom doesn't want her to do and I usually am somewhere in the middle because I'm the one helping her with stuff. So I hate it.

I couldn't wait to come home so I left even though my daughter wanted me to watch her at her swim lesson.

I came home to a broken door. My husband locked himself out of the apartment on the deck so he decided to break the door to get back in. Now he's laying in bed ignoring me, probably because he knows I'm pissed.

Great weekend.

Saturday, March 21, 2009


Tomorrow, my daughter will be the flower girl in my wedding.

Friday, January 02, 2009

Christmas Visit

My daughter was the most affectionate she's ever been this visit.

We had a yummy dinner (of course), played some games, went to an aquarium today.

She's still obsessed with the two moms thing. I've graduated to another "mommy". I used to be the mom and her adoptive mother was the"mommy".

It wasn't very hard at all to visit. I felt relaxed. I was able to enjoy the unusual affection, and I was able to chit-chat with the adults.

All in all, a good time.