About Me

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I placed my daughter in an open adoption in 2002. I started this blog in 2004 as a place to journal and eventually I became part of a community. The community has moved on, but I have decided to come back.

Sunday, June 07, 2009


Where to begin?

Had a panic attack before leaving. I didn't want to go.

Once I got there it was good. We went and played at a neighbor's house for awhile. Went back to her house. Played with Play Doh and played Mancala while her mom went to the store.

Played outside. Lot's of tag. It was great. Two-person tag. She just liked it when I caught her and lifted her up.

She's still big on the whole "I'm her mommy thing." Seems very natural to her.

Cooking on the grill, and my daughter wanted to eat outside. So her mom asked us to wash the table. My daughter decided to help by pouring water on the table so I wouldn't have to keep going in to rinse out the sponge. Then she went and got soap and water and poured that on the table. We ended up with a big soapy mess. Her mom was pretty pissed. I stopped having fun at that point.

We had a nice dinner. I tried coming up with reasons to leave that night. I couldn't get it out.

I helped my daughter get ready for bed. We sat with a book. I tried telling her that I might now sleep over. "You're kidding, right?" I started crying. First time crying in front of her. Was so hard to hold it back, but I pulled myself together. She asked why I cried at my wedding and I said it was because I was so happy.

I think in her little girl wisdom she got why I was so sad because she dug out the lifebook I made for her and read it to me until her mom called her down to say goodbye to her grandmother.

She asked me to come sit in her bed with her so I did for awhile. She wanted to show me a bunch of stuff, but her mom got upset again because she was pulling so much stuff out.

Played on the swings the next morning.

Overall, I got lots of love from her, but it was rough.

Sometimes her mom laughs things off or allows her to do things that I wouldn't expect her to be allowed to do, but other times, things I think are kind of funny are frowned on. I mean I get the whole lesson about asking first, but my daughter was trying to be helpful, not trying to make a mess. A little bit of "I know you were trying to be helpful, but it made a mess, so next time ask me." It's so hard to know what to allow her to do (not like the whole soap and water thing was my idea.) I say no to a lot, then find out it's okay when one of her parents walks in and she asks. Plus, her dad lets her do a lot of stuff her mom doesn't want her to do and I usually am somewhere in the middle because I'm the one helping her with stuff. So I hate it.

I couldn't wait to come home so I left even though my daughter wanted me to watch her at her swim lesson.

I came home to a broken door. My husband locked himself out of the apartment on the deck so he decided to break the door to get back in. Now he's laying in bed ignoring me, probably because he knows I'm pissed.

Great weekend.