About Me

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I placed my daughter in an open adoption in 2002. I started this blog in 2004 as a place to journal and eventually I became part of a community. The community has moved on, but I have decided to come back.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Avoidance

I don't call. I don't answer the phone. I don't even listen to the messages. When I finally had my Christmas visit with her, I didn't spend the night like I usually do (which sucked because she cried about me leaving).

I think a lot about what it was like before her. I miss those times. It's hard to know if that's what changed things or if other things did- my failed engagement, perhaps.

This summer, my husband and I are planning to move across the country. I never thought I'd move away from her. Her mother is hoping we don't go. I don't know how my daughter will take it.

I know I'm supposed to be grateful to have her in my life- it isn't like I'd want it any other way. It's just for some reason, I don't have a burning desire to be around her. I remember reading a couple of other birtmothers going through something similar and wondering how it was possible to feel that way. My daughter needs me after all. I love her. I love hugging her. I love playing with her. Still, a part of me wouldn't mind walking away.

When I think about my pregnancy though, I feel so happy. I feel that connection. Is it just because the older she gets, the less I know about her?

Maybe I'm just avoiding it. Being here in what used to be my safe place is making me miss her. Maybe it's because she's getting older. I don't know what to say to her. I'm still awkward and I want her to be comfortable.

I babysat her last time I was there. My husband was with me which made it bearable. I still can't stand the thought of being solely responsible for her. That one time I did it was enough.

I hope when we do move she'll come visit. I tried getting her to come for the weekend once, but she doesn't like to be away from home.

Lifebook

My daughter read her lifebook at school.

One of the other little girls in her class is adopted. I forget the details, but the little girl's mother was going to the school to talk about adoption. When my daughter found out about it, she decided she wanted to read her lifebook. It was her idea.

I spoke to her on the phone about it. To her it was no big deal. She didn't even think to tell me until her mom told her to. I guess she read it all by herself, too.

It's so nice that to her there is no shame in having two moms-and these days that's what I am to her (makes me feel all warm inside).

I'm really happy that I made her that book.