I'm miserable today.
For some reason, my first couple of years away from my daughter didn't bother me a ton. Or if it did, I guess I've pushed the memory down. But today I'm missing the anticipation of a trip to see her for Christmas.
I want to be there when she opens my gifts. I want to talk to her about why I picked them. I want to sit beside the tree with her and pose for our holiday photos.
Christmas is about kids, and I won't get to see mine.
I got their Christmas card in the mail yesterday. It's the first year that it wasn't a picture of her on Santa's lap. I guess this was the year the truth of Santa was revealed. She's 10. Makes sense.
Today, the holidays seem meaningless. Yes, I'm looking forward to seeing the little bit of family I have here. Yes, I enjoy the joy my husband brings to a holiday he wasn't allowed to celebrate as a child. But without my daughter, the holiday just feels wrong.
I spent a couple of actual Christmas Eves and Christmases with them when I still lived close. A few other times I turned down the invitation and did my Christmas visit in January. I wish I'd never turned down those invitations. I'd give up a lot to get to spend another Christmas with my daughter.
So, my adoptive parent friends, give your babies an extra hug and kiss this year for the birthparents that are missing them.