About Me

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I placed my daughter in an open adoption in 2002. I started this blog in 2004 as a place to journal and eventually I became part of a community. The community has moved on, but I have decided to come back.

Saturday, October 18, 2014

Holidays 2010

So I've moved away.


I think about her all the time. We don't talk much, but we'd kind of settled into that bad habit.


In September, I saw her at my sister's wedding. We played and had fun, but I cried when I left. I didn't know when I would ever see her again. I know I posted about not liking my visits anymore, but I always still wanted to see her. Being a six-hour flight away sucks.


I've spent every Thanksgiving with my daughter since she was born. I never thought I'd miss it. Even when I knew I was moving, I planned to fly home for Thanksgiving. As it neared, I realized it just wasn't realistic. So I braced myself for Thanksgiving. They changed their tradition this year. It was strange to think of them doing something else instead of the same old thing just changed by my absence. Still, I managed. Thanksgiving was harder on my husband than it was`on me, but I was with my own family.


Christmas was different. I haven't always spent Christmas with her, but I've always done some kind of Christmas visit. Mailing gifts was not the same. I don't even know if she got them. When I talked to her, she said she hadn't, and I haven't heard otherwise. I really wanted a Christmas visit.

It's been hard


Getting Choked Up

My daughter and my niece playing with some of my childhood toys.

Phone Call

She was mostly chatty tonight.


I called. My therapist told me I needed to.


She wouldn't tell me the story her mom wanted her to. Last week, they had a conversation about where babies come from. In the end, my daughter decided she is going to adopt because adopted kids are more fun.


In other news, my daughter said she's been going to swim for 10 years, ever since she was zero and that she'll go until she is 70.


Her mom said that if I quit smoking, she'll send my daughter out here to visit me. I guess my daughter is still talking about catching me smoking. I'm still embarrassed about it.


I'm not sure if I want to tell her about my latest med struggles and my new diagnosis. If I become convinced, I'll have to. Unfortunately, my therapist is not on the same page as my psychiatrist so I'm not likely to get the support I need there.


I definitely felt anxious making that call.

Fuck Bullying

People at school were comparing my daughter to a dog.

We bonded over wanting people to know we're just normal people.

She eats lunch alone with her math teacher.

I'm thinking of moving back east, partly to be closer to her.