About Me

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I placed my daughter in an open adoption in 2002. I started this blog in 2004 as a place to journal and eventually I became part of a community. The community has moved on, but I have decided to come back.

Wednesday, November 02, 2016

Book of Essays

Hi guys!  I noticed that some of my old blogging buddies are following me now.  I'm sorry I keep neglecting this blog.  My open adoption isn't going very well.  My personal life is also not going very well.  So it's been hard to get motivated to write.

Anyway, I want to write some essays on adoption and was wondering if any of you had topics to suggest.  I have a few old blog entries that would qualify, but most of my writing here is personal.

There is very little out there for birthmothers.  I've always wanted to do my part to fill that void, and then Amy Seek's book came out, and I got all excited because finally someone was telling it like it is, but it turned out that people who weren't birthmothers still weren't enlightened.  She got a backlash of negativity.

I don't need to change anyone's mind.  I just want to talk about adoption related issues from the birthmother perspective.

And just this second I noticed it's November so it's NaNoWriMo (do I have that right? It's been awhile.).  I'm a day late, but I'll give you a 12% likelihood that I'll write a post a day this month.  Topic suggestions welcome.

So essay topics and blog topics.  Feel free to make the blog topics personal if you're curious about how things are going in my corner of the adoption world.  And to those of you who knew me when, thanks for coming back.  And to those of you who are new, welcome.  I brought this blog back out intending to use it again so I'll try to do that.

Tuesday, September 27, 2016

I love you

Ever since I found out that my daughter didn't like it when I asked her questions, I only send texts telling her to have a good week or some similar statement requiring no response.  I always say "I love you."  She used to say "you too".  Now I usually don't even get a response, and if I do, it's "thanks."  I'm tired of being told it's her age.

On the plus side, she seems to respond when I text old pictures.  Next time I'm home, I'll put more on my phone.

Sunday, September 04, 2016

Birthday

Today is my daughter's birthday.

The guy I'm dating, who used to be a good support, no longer gets it.  And even if he did, his kids will be here all day.

So I'm going to go home and be alone and that is hard.

Monday, August 29, 2016

Thank You For Picking Me

I texted her last night.  A visit with her showed up in my facebook memories so I sent the picture.  She responded quickly with a picture of her at my wedding and a message that she ran across that one the other day.  I texted back that I loved having her as my flower girl and sent a picture of us together at my wedding.  She said "Thank you for picking me."  I didn't respond right away because I was looking for a picture of the two of us plus my sister at the wedding.  It's one of my favorites.  I responded with the picture and said it was an honor.  But I took too long.  She didn't text back.  It was probably too late her time, and I haven't heard from her today.

Her birthday is this week so I printed the postage for her package today.  When I find the right words for the card, I'll pack it all up and send it out.

Thursday, August 25, 2016

Work

When you're at a professional event with a group of women and the conversation is all about birth and children but you don't acknowledge that you have a child.
I hate these days.

Wednesday, August 24, 2016

Losing Friends

There were a few people who were really there for me when I was pregnant. Two girls from college were particularly supportive. Then my daughter was born and it was over.
People don't want to be around you anymore when you give away your baby.
I miss them dearly.

Tuesday, August 23, 2016

On This Day

Two years ago, she was visiting me.  I know because the facebook memories are telling me.  I decided to text her and saw that it has been over a week since I did.  I just don't know what to say to her, and the rejection hurts.  I've started my letter in my head.

Every Christmas since I moved, I've made her a picture book of our visits for that year. After our April visit, I texted her about it.  I don't have enough pictures for a book so I wanted to know if there was something she wanted me to make.  She never responded to that text.  I think I'm going to make a book like her lifebook, possibly with some excerpts from this blog.  Somehow, I need to reconnect with her.


Tuesday, August 16, 2016

Contact

I just went back east.  When I was planning the visit, I contacted her mom to ask if she thought I should try to see them considering that my daughter clearly didn't want to see me last time.  It turns out that they weren't going to be in town that week anyway, but her mom said she would have asked my daughter anyway because she had no idea.  She said she's leaving the relationship up to the two of us.  I'm not sure how I feel about that.

I was hoping that maybe she would give me some insight into what my daughter is experiencing.  I was at least hoping that as the person seeing my daughter every day that she would have some insight.


My sister is going out there soon.  She and my daughter follow and interact with each other on Instagram.  My daughter accepted my request to follow her, but didn't ask to follow me back.  It hurts.


I've been told it's the age, but I know birthparents with kids my daughter's age, and those kids want a relationship with their birthparents.


I have a package to send her.  I've been picking up souvenirs for her during all my travels since April, but I haven't sent anything.  Her mom knows I have a package for her and is probably wondering why I haven't sent it yet. It's not intentional.  I'm just not home much and I don't have a printer so I need to remember to grab it all and bring it somewhere that I can print postage. 


 I sent her a postcard from my trip. I'd like to write her a letter.  I play the beginnings in my head, but after that I get lost.

Thursday, August 04, 2016

My April Visit

I don't know when I planned it, but I had a 4-day weekend in April so I scheduled a visit with my daughter.  When I informed her mom, she told me that my daughter didn't want me to come but begged me not to cancel.  I called on a few friends to include them as part of the trip and planned for a shorter visit.  I even changed to an earlier flight back.

Her mom picked me up from the airport without my daughter and filled me in on some things.

My daughter doesn't think I have a right to be a part of her extended family.

My daughter doesn't like it when I text her asking about school and how her weekend was etc. She doesn't think I have a right to know.

She's struggling with her birthfather's absence from her life.

The visit was awful.  We had a decent dinner together the night I got there, and I spent about an hour of quality time with my daughter.  She avoided me the rest of the weekend. She had a bunch of her friends over for most of the visit.  The morning I left, I sat downstairs for a couple of hours wondering if anyone was coming down.  I think they barely got my daughter to say goodbye.  She did not come for the ride to the train station.

Despite my daughter's clear avoidance of me, her mother was upset that I didn't spend the whole weekend.

Since then, I've texted simple things like "I hope you had a good weekend!" or even an "I miss you" or an "I'm thinking about you." and an "I love you." but I haven't asked her a single question.

I don't know what to do.  For the past year, I've been feeling miserable about not being there for her, and now she doesn't even want me there for her.

The only reason I keep texting is because I'm the adult, and I have a responsibility to make sure she knows I care.

But that's where I and the whole thing just sucks.

Wednesday, August 03, 2016

My Birthday 2016

Mostly written then:

I just got off the phone with my mom (biological) , and we spent a lot of time talking about little Poor_Statue and I told her what happened with my sister, and I spent way too much time on the phone crying.
My mother said my sister doesn't understand because she's never been a mother. I also told my mother that I regret placing little Poor_Statue for adoption.


I also spent part of the day messaging with my daughter's birthfather and asked for a picture of his kids which I then sent to my daughter's mom who proceeded to take her anger about him not having contact with them on me as if I have anything to do with his actions.

I pulled it together just long enough for my boyfriend to take me out to dinner, but spent the rest of the night crying.

Birthday 2016

Mostly written then:

I just got off the phone with my mom (biological) , and we spent a lot of time talking about little Poor_Statue and I told her what happened with my sister, and I spent way too much time on the phone crying.
My mother said my sister doesn't understand because she's never been a mother. I also told my mother that I regret placing little Poor_Statue for adoption.


I also spent part of the day messaging with my daughter's birthfather and asked for a picture of his kids which I then sent to my daughter's mom who proceeded to take her anger about him not having contact with them on me as if I have anything to do with his actions.

I pulled it together just long enough for my boyfriend to take me out to dinner, but spent the rest of the night crying.

Tuesday, August 02, 2016

January 2016

I emailed my daughter's mom to see if my daughter would like to come out here this summer, but my daughter said no. It hurts.  I don't care if it's the age.  It hurts.

Monday, August 01, 2016

Two days after Christmas 2015

I talk to my daughter on the phone for the first time since the summer.  We haven't spoken on the phone since.

Friday, July 29, 2016

December 2015

My daughter initiates a text for the first time.  She wants to know about the guy I'm dating and whether or not I had told him about her.

I found out later that my daughter's mom told my sister that "it was a horrible way for my daughter to find out I was dating someone."

I still don't know how my daughter found out.  Eventually I told her mother by text that I didn't know how my daughter found out.  She didn't comment.  

Thursday, July 28, 2016

November 2015

My family got together in our home state for my grandfather's birthday. I wasn't invited because my sister planned it. She made the four hour drive to see my daughter while she was there.

Visit

I'm going back east so I asked about seeing my daughter. I asked her mom if she thought it was worth trying because it was clear from my last visit that my daughter didn't want to see me. They won't be in town so it ended up being a non-issue, but her mom did acknowledge that my daughter seemed a little standoffish when I visited.

I was hoping her mom could give me some advice, but she told me she's stepping out of it and leaving relationship with my daughter up to us. I don't know what to do.

I told her mom that I haven't been asking my daughter any questions ever since she  (mom) told me that my daughter told her she doesn't like it. It doesn't feel right.

I've stopped posting in my adoption group. The adoptive moms are having all these crises with their kids, and my problem seems so little. Last time, they told me it was the age, but all the other kids of the birthmoms and adoptive moms in the group that are the same age as my daughter still have strong birthfamily relationships. I've thought about writing my daughter a letter, but I don't know what to say.

Wednesday, July 27, 2016

October 2015

My sister, who had cut my parents out of her life for years has decided to visit.  My parents are desperate for me to reach out while acknowledging that my sister will never take ownership of her part in all of the drama nor will she ever treat me like an equal.  I decline.  The visit happens in December.  I don't make any effort to mend things.  I have decided that it is healthier for me not to have her in my life.

I go on vacation with the guy I'm dating and wake up one night from a dream about my daughter.  I hate being disconnected from her.  I hate not being able to tell her how important she is to me.  I hate the distance.

Tuesday, July 26, 2016

September 4, 2015

My daughter turns 13.  I cry all night.

I miss her so much.  I hate that I'm not with her.  I hate that I'm not there to answer her questions.  I hate that I gave her up.

Monday, July 25, 2016

I Join Match and This Happens in August 2015

Dating websites ask whether or not you have kids.  I left that item blank on my profile.  I went on many fun dates where it didn't come up.  I didn't want it to come up.  It's a story that is too hard to tell.

Then, someone asked.  I wasn't prepared.  I told him it was a story for another time.  The next morning I texted him and told him I'd really like to answer his question, but that I wanted to do it in person.

It went well.  We are still dating, and he is supportive in the right way.

Friday, July 22, 2016

July 2015

Some thoughts I wrote down about a visit:

I had a nice visit with my daughter. Things felt normal this time. I only went for a few hours so I'm sure that helped.
There were some interesting things I thought I'd share. Her grandmother and godmother came over also. Somehow the subject of little Poor_Statue as a kid came up. I think it may have been her asking me when I lost my first and last baby tooth. Little Poor_Statue. went and got her first photo album.
A few things happened as she looked at it. She pointed at and named a bunch of people in the pictures but tended to hurry through the pictures of her and I together. She also commented on perfectly normal baby pictures that she looked sad and wondered why. Clearly, she is dealing with some adoption issues. I don't feel hurt at all. I'm wondering more about what I could do to help her sort through it and seeing it as just an interesting development.
In related and actually hurtful news, her grandmother commented that my daughter looks more like my sister than me. Her godmother stepped in to say that she didn't think so. It hurt just because of the problems I'm having with my sister. We all, including my daughter, talked quite a bit about where she got different features which just now reminded me of how she went through the beginning of the first album which was pictures from before she was born. She was very interested in the pictures of me with with her birthfather, the ones of me pregnant, the ones of us right after she was born. It was only after the hospital pictures that she started to ignore the pictures of us together.
Fascinating stuff. It's been awhile since her adoption issues were so obviously out there.

Thursday, July 21, 2016

May and July 2015: Continuation of the Visit Issue

My daughter's mom asked if I was going to my sister's while my daughter visited.  I took that to mean it was an option.

I asked my sister about it and told her my daughter's mom had asked.  She said she'd ask my daughter. My daughter said no.  My sister accused me making it seem like my daughter's family wanted me to go.  I was just asking about it because my sister lives so close to me.  I had no idea it'd be looked at as a bad thing.
It caused a huge rift between us. I joined a facebook group that acknowledges adoption trauma and made some comments on my PoorStatue Twitter account that expressed the feeling that I was being shut out of my daughter's life.  My sister was the only RL person who knew about my Twitter account.  Like this space, it was supposed to be a safe place.

My sister confronted me.  It was a heated exchange during which I tried to explain that I was struggling with the whole adoption thing before all of this happened.  I had been dating a guy with two young daughters.  He got distraught if he didn't see his daughters for longer than a week.  It hit me how distant I was from my daughter.  He gave me permission to feel sad.  And I did.

Finally, when she kept asking questions, I told her I didn't want to talk to her about adoption anymore.  I felt like I needed to educate her.  I didn't want to and emotionally I just couldn't do it. 

Everything was hard.I was hurting because my daughter didn't want to see me.  I was hurting because I had wanted her to fly out here to visit ever since I moved and now she was going to see my sister but not me.

There were other family traumas happening at the same time, and the pressure to make nice with my sister was heavy.


My sister and I agreed that she would stop following me on Twitter.  Later, I had a visit with my daughter that suggested that she might have some questions, and I figured my sister would be someone she'd turn to.  


Skip to July: 

I asked the Twitterverse for resources I could give my sister.  She saw my post. Like middle schoolers, we went back and forth a little bit on Twitter.  I blocked her on Twitter.  She blocked me on facebook and everything else. 

She sent me some nasty emails that I could only bring myself to read once.

Two things stuck out. (Most of this was written at that time so forgive the change in style.)


She criticized me for having the conversation with her on twitter. I should have ignored her initial tweet to me. I almost tweeted a response to something she wrote that ended with "or you could, you know, call." but I knew it was rude so I didn't. I wish I would have ended it and I know I should have, but I was pretty cordial. One of the things I am struggling with was that I told her everything. Every personal or embarrassing or difficult thing about me or how I feel, she knows.
The second thing that stands out was that she said she read Amy Seek's book (the one by the birthmom in an open adoption) before me (written like somehow she is better than me because she read it first.) She said it was passive-aggressive for me to post about it and say that everyone should read it. Somehow I guess I was supposed to give everyone a personal invitation. What strikes me most about this, though, is what she took away from it if she actually read it. I don't know how my closest sister could read that book and then treat me like this. She even criticized me for having difficulty talking to her about adoption.
This has really broken me.
All I did was ask the twitterverse for suggestions of adoption resources I could give my sister in preparation for her upcoming visit with my daughter. Remember, it's an anonymous account. My sister wasn't named. No one she knew would even see it. My sister approached me on twitter asking why I thought she needed resources. I basically said that anyone who was going to spend an extended time with a preteen who was adopted needed resources. I also said in another tweet that I couldn't know for sure. She's mad because I questioned her knowledge about adoption without asking her what she knew already. That's it. I've reread the emails trying to figure out if there was something else she's mad about, but that really is all she's mad about. Her final email included paragraph after paragraph of her qualifications for dealing with kids. So I've been completely cut out of her life for that. And it's hard because it's such a small thing that I wonder what I'm missing. I feel like there must be something wrong with me because I can't wrap my head around the fact that someone would react so strongly to such a little thing. And I'm scared because if she's crazy enough to do this, what else will she do?

Update to now: We still haven't spoken. 

I've struggled with it since.  I suspect she is poisoning my relationship with my daughter because there was a dramatic change after this happened. I know she has a very close relationship with my daughter while right now I have no relationship with my daughter.  It's been a huge loss.

Wednesday, July 20, 2016

Mother's Day 2015

I think this is the first Mother's Day that I didn't hear from my daughter. No card even. I hate today.

Tuesday, July 19, 2016

April 2015: The Start of the Visit Issue

I'm really upset with my sister. She told me my daughter was coming to visit this summer. I assumed the whole family was going. Turns out she emailed my daughter's mom asking if she could come out. My daughter is going alone. I found out because I was on the phone with my daughter and they asked if I was going to meet her there. My sister didn't invite me. It's a string of things like that with my sister. I know I shouldn't be upset. I just hate it because I want to see my daughter too.

Monday, July 18, 2016

February 2015

My daughter stops responding to my texts.

For starters, my sister had been texting her for months before I even found out that I could.  I figured her parents would tell me her number when they felt it was right.  Instead, I got it because I found out my sister had been texting.

This was the beginning of the end of my relationship with my sister. The one who is present all over this blog.  The one who introduced me to my daughter's parents.  It was a mistake to choose the people she sent me to, but I trusted her.  I never knew it would turn out to be such a bad thing.

At this point, my texting relationship with my daughter goes up and down, but mostly up until this past April.

Saturday, July 16, 2016

Fall 2014-Summer2015

I go through a bitter divorce.

Friday, July 15, 2016

December Visit 2014

Since moving across the country, I have made a yearly visit back east which I planned around my daughter and her family's availability.  Everything had been going really well.

I made a December trip back in 2014, and it was the first terrible visit I've ever had.  I really don't remember details.  I do remember that my daughter was excited that I was coming, but that the visit felt too long.  I felt like I was intruding.  

I know that I felt like I needed to move back right away.

I know my daughter said she wanted me to.

I know I told her I was sorry.

I know that it left me feeling sad and awful and lost and disconnected.  That was the beginning of the end.

So Much Loss

I spent hours last night and more hours this morning reading my archives.  I've made it to mid-2006.  There are so many stories about my daughter expressing loss.  Crying that she misses me.  Wanting me to hurry up and visit.  I can't imagine the pain she must have felt when I moved across country.  I wrote a paper about adoption and adolescence in graduate school when she was 4 or 5.  I revisited it last year to see what she might be going through now.  All it did was make me realize that she needs me right now, and I'm not there.  

Sadly, my relationship with her mother has deteriorated to not much of anything because of the distance.  She calls every so often to see how I am.  We update each other, but we never talk about the hard stuff.  Last time I visited, she suggested that maybe my daughter was struggling with some things.  She specifically mentioned my daughter's birthfather, but we didn't get into any more specifics.  I should have asked.  And when she calls, I should bring it up.  It's just so hard. 

Thursday, July 14, 2016

The Maternity Ward

My boyfriend's daughter just had a baby.  We visited her in the hospital.  I haven't been in a maternity ward or even held a newborn since my own daughter.  I didn't want to let that baby go.

A Note About Coming Back

I have a million things to write about.  A million stories to tell.  A million hurts.  That's why I came back.  My relationship with my daughter is pretty much non-existent.  I've been reading through all these old posts, and it just hurts.  Everything about it hurts.  I thought it was hard before.  I never knew it could be this hard.  So I'll probably write a bunch tonight and try to schedule the posts so I don't post a bunch all in one day.  But there are no happy posts coming.  There is nothing happy to share.

Warnings

A friend recently confided in me that she had been trying to have another child, but she had miscarried.  This came after I told her about my daughter.

Last night, I dreamed that I was with this friend, and that she had found a couple to adopt from.

In my dream, we met them, and my friend was so excited.

We walked away, and I ran back to tell them not to do it, that I regretted it, that it was a huge mistake.

When I walked back to my friend I wondered what right I had to tell them what to do.  What if they really couldn't handle another child.  So I ran back to tell them to think about it.

It was a telling dream.  I do regret my choice, and I know many birthmothers who have had made it their life's mission to make it so infant adoption never happens.

But through the pain, there is a part of me that feels like it was the right choice at the time.

During my pregnancy counseling, my social worker told me to write down all the reasons I was placing because as the years went by, I would forget.  I never did.  I remember my reasons.  But nothing prepared me for this incredible and horrible pain.

And hello again, internet.  Adoption is weighing so heavily on me this year that I have decided to take my blog out of hiding and write again.