Friday, July 29, 2016
I found out later that my daughter's mom told my sister that "it was a horrible way for my daughter to find out I was dating someone."
I still don't know how my daughter found out. Eventually I told her mother by text that I didn't know how my daughter found out. She didn't comment.
Thursday, July 28, 2016
I'm going back east so I asked about seeing my daughter. I asked her mom if she thought it was worth trying because it was clear from my last visit that my daughter didn't want to see me. They won't be in town so it ended up being a non-issue, but her mom did acknowledge that my daughter seemed a little standoffish when I visited.
I was hoping her mom could give me some advice, but she told me she's stepping out of it and leaving relationship with my daughter up to us. I don't know what to do.
I told her mom that I haven't been asking my daughter any questions ever since she (mom) told me that my daughter told her she doesn't like it. It doesn't feel right.
I've stopped posting in my adoption group. The adoptive moms are having all these crises with their kids, and my problem seems so little. Last time, they told me it was the age, but all the other kids of the birthmoms and adoptive moms in the group that are the same age as my daughter still have strong birthfamily relationships. I've thought about writing my daughter a letter, but I don't know what to say.
Wednesday, July 27, 2016
I go on vacation with the guy I'm dating and wake up one night from a dream about my daughter. I hate being disconnected from her. I hate not being able to tell her how important she is to me. I hate the distance.
Tuesday, July 26, 2016
Monday, July 25, 2016
Then, someone asked. I wasn't prepared. I told him it was a story for another time. The next morning I texted him and told him I'd really like to answer his question, but that I wanted to do it in person.
It went well. We are still dating, and he is supportive in the right way.
Friday, July 22, 2016
Thursday, July 21, 2016
There were other family traumas happening at the same time, and the pressure to make nice with my sister was heavy.
My sister and I agreed that she would stop following me on Twitter. Later, I had a visit with my daughter that suggested that she might have some questions, and I figured my sister would be someone she'd turn to.
Skip to July:
I asked the Twitterverse for resources I could give my sister. She saw my post. Like middle schoolers, we went back and forth a little bit on Twitter. I blocked her on Twitter. She blocked me on facebook and everything else.
She sent me some nasty emails that I could only bring myself to read once.
Two things stuck out. (Most of this was written at that time so forgive the change in style.)
Update to now: We still haven't spoken.
I've struggled with it since. I suspect she is poisoning my relationship with my daughter because there was a dramatic change after this happened. I know she has a very close relationship with my daughter while right now I have no relationship with my daughter. It's been a huge loss.
Wednesday, July 20, 2016
Tuesday, July 19, 2016
Monday, July 18, 2016
For starters, my sister had been texting her for months before I even found out that I could. I figured her parents would tell me her number when they felt it was right. Instead, I got it because I found out my sister had been texting.
This was the beginning of the end of my relationship with my sister. The one who is present all over this blog. The one who introduced me to my daughter's parents. It was a mistake to choose the people she sent me to, but I trusted her. I never knew it would turn out to be such a bad thing.
At this point, my texting relationship with my daughter goes up and down, but mostly up until this past April.
Saturday, July 16, 2016
Friday, July 15, 2016
I made a December trip back in 2014, and it was the first terrible visit I've ever had. I really don't remember details. I do remember that my daughter was excited that I was coming, but that the visit felt too long. I felt like I was intruding.
I know that I felt like I needed to move back right away.
I know my daughter said she wanted me to.
I know I told her I was sorry.
I know that it left me feeling sad and awful and lost and disconnected. That was the beginning of the end.
Sadly, my relationship with her mother has deteriorated to not much of anything because of the distance. She calls every so often to see how I am. We update each other, but we never talk about the hard stuff. Last time I visited, she suggested that maybe my daughter was struggling with some things. She specifically mentioned my daughter's birthfather, but we didn't get into any more specifics. I should have asked. And when she calls, I should bring it up. It's just so hard.
Thursday, July 14, 2016
Last night, I dreamed that I was with this friend, and that she had found a couple to adopt from.
In my dream, we met them, and my friend was so excited.
We walked away, and I ran back to tell them not to do it, that I regretted it, that it was a huge mistake.
When I walked back to my friend I wondered what right I had to tell them what to do. What if they really couldn't handle another child. So I ran back to tell them to think about it.
It was a telling dream. I do regret my choice, and I know many birthmothers who have had made it their life's mission to make it so infant adoption never happens.
But through the pain, there is a part of me that feels like it was the right choice at the time.
During my pregnancy counseling, my social worker told me to write down all the reasons I was placing because as the years went by, I would forget. I never did. I remember my reasons. But nothing prepared me for this incredible and horrible pain.
And hello again, internet. Adoption is weighing so heavily on me this year that I have decided to take my blog out of hiding and write again.